After having our daughter, I felt confident that my body would reset and learn how to go through the motions of getting pregnant. Yep, that didn't happen. I got my period, but once again is was extremely rare. I began exercising more and eating healthy -- I even became a huge fan of Jimmy John's unwich (a bread-less sandwich). Nothing seem to help. Then, eventually, I went back to my fertility doctor and made plans for some assistance.
"What would you like to do?" Dr. S asked as he casually leaned back in his chair behind his desk.
"Whatever worked last time," I calmly replied.
"Should we wait for you to start your period or would you like me to give you something?"
I laughed. "Please, just give me something to get things moving. Who knows when I'll start on my own."
A plan was in motion. I was going to attempt the same game plan that successfully got me pregnant with my daughter.
Generally speaking, what happened during this attempt was similar to my experiences when I got pregnant the first time -- nothing went according to plan. My body was still random and unpredictable, confusing everyone at the fertility clinic who worked with me. Every visit was filled with questions for everyone. Was it working? What was my body doing? What should we do next? As for me, I gave it all to God. He knew what was going on.
Then, in early July, I discovered that my body was ovulating and I was going to release two eggs -- no additional assistance needed.
"So, does this mean I am going to have twins?" I asked, slightly nervous.
"Not at all," my nurse, Jennifer, replied. "This just increases you odds that one will get fertilized."
I wasn't convinced.
"Very often women release multiple eggs, but only one gets fertilized," she continued. "If you were about to release four or five eggs then, yes, we would cancel this cycle because you would have high odds of conceiving multiples."
I still wasn't convinced.
"Your treatment gives you an 8-10% chance of conceiving multiples."
Almost there, keep going. I'm still not convinced.
"Okay, I've been here for six years and I have only seen one other woman conceive twins doing what you're doing."
Alright, my mind is finally at ease. Don't get me wrong, the idea of having twins was something Dan and I dreamed about, but the reality of twins had me a little nervous.
Time passed and on Friday, July 10th I took a home pregnancy test and it said that I was pregnant! Then, on Sunday, July 12th I took two more (different) home pregnancy tests. Every test was positive!
We were on vacation when we found out that we were expecting, so I didn't make it back into the fertility clinic until Monday, July 20th for a blood test to confirm my pregnancy. They usually take two blood tests about 48 hours apart to ensure that my hCG numbers are significantly increasing. However, since my numbers were so high on Monday they felt that there was no need for a second blood test.
I noted my numbers and did a Google search. Considering how far along I was, my numbers were presenting evidence that I was expecting twins. I called Jennifer to ask. According to her, my numbers were not exactly shouting twins, but another possibility was just that I was further along than expected.
On July 22nd, I went in for my first ultrasound at 5+ weeks. Right away I thought I saw two babies, but the ultrasound technician was focused on one obvious little baby -- who already had a lovely heartbeat.
Several minutes later, while carefully looking around, the ultrasound technician noticed another little something quickly pop up and then vanish on the screen.
"Did you see that?" she smiled.
"Yes," I replied as I smiled and nervously covered my mouth with my hands.
She moved around carefully and then it popped up again. Sure enough, there were two little babies inside me! I was happy/excited/nervous all at once. This sure put a significant game change to mine and Dan's plans, but what a blessing it was! Unfortunately, my joy didn't last long. It was quickly discovered that Baby B had no heartbeat.
Once my ultrasound was over, I went into Dr. S's office with Jennifer and we discussed the results of my ultrasound.
"Well, it looks like you were right," she smiled as she handed me my babies' first photos. "There are two babies."
I smiled as I took the photos.
"Unfortunately," Jennifer continued, "Baby B does not have a heartbeat and we should have one by now."
Tears flowed from my eyes as Jennifer kindly explained that I was, very likely, about to experience a vanishing twin syndrome. She advised that I bring Dan (or another loved one) to my next ultrasound because it was very likely that Baby B would be much smaller at my next appointment.
"I know you were nervous about having twins," she quietly spoke as she handed my some tissue.
"If I'm expecting two, I want to have two," I sobbed. "I don't want to lose one. That's my baby!"
Jennifer was very compassionate and helpful during this difficult and confusing time. Still, I left feeling uncertain what to expect.
I called Dan and gave him the news. Normally I would have planned a fun way to surprise him with my news, but Baby B's unlikely survival didn't exactly call for a celebration. So, instead, Dan got the news in a more direct fashion -- not fun at all.
Sure enough, Dan made plans to join me at my next ultrasound appointment. We were caught off guard when Baby B was slightly bigger and had a heartbeat. Still, my team at the fertility clinic didn't leave much hope for Baby B. This went on for several weeks. Each ultrasound Dan joined me and each week Baby B showed some progress, but clearly wasn't keeping up with Baby A -- who was growing and developing right on schedule.
We held off on telling immediate family about our twin news, but the grief from week to week became overwhelming. It breaks my heart to say that some of our family members got the news the same way Dan did, direct and matter-of-fact. It sucked and there was almost always tears.
I was exhausted and feeling sick 24/7, but never throwing up. I was an emotional wreck between ultrasounds, wondering when Baby B would no longer be with me. I prayed... and I cried... then I prayed some more... which eventually led to even more ugly sobs.
Normally I stop seeing my fertility team when I'm about eight weeks along. Still, Baby B's uncertain development brought me back to the fertility clinic for one more ultrasound -- my team was hoping they could give me some clear answers.
It was Wednesday, August 19th and I was 9+ weeks along. My sickness had faded dramatically over the last couple of days, so I assumed it was because Baby B had let go. I went to my appointment, "ready" to hear that Baby B had officially passed. Instead, Dan and I were beyond shocked when Baby B had a dramatic growth spurt and only appeared to be a couple of days behind Baby A. For the first time, we all felt that there was actual hope for Baby B. Dan and I were relieved! In a matter of a seconds, we went from expecting to lose a baby to suddenly planning for twins! Yes, this was most definitely a positive turn of events.
From that moment on, sharing our pregnancy news became much easier. We even taught Ava to help us. Once we shared our news that we were expecting, we'd then follow up by explaining how Ava likes to help share our news.
"What's in Mommy's belly?" we'd ask her.
"Twins!" she'd proudly exclaim.
Oh the trill of sharing our good news was such a relief. We almost always included the story of how things were touch and go with Baby B, which seem to make our little miracle shine a bright light of hope to all who heard.
I had a visit with my regular doctor on Tuesday, September 29th -- just before Dan and I left for a vacation in Arizona with friends. Once again, I was blessed to hear two separate heartbeats pounding within my belly. It's a beautiful sound!
Then, on Friday, October 2nd we made our news Facebook official when we took a photo at the Grand Canyon...
As expected, we never really stopped praying (or worrying) about our twins -- especially Baby B. Still, each passing week we felt encouraged to start preparing for our twins to arrive. We bought matching cribs, a double stroller, tested car seats (to see what we could fit three-across in the CR-V), and planned different room options if our twins were girls/boys/both. We even started discussing possible names and continued to get Ava used to the idea of there being two new babies in our family.
The twins don't move too much; they just seem to tickle me from time to time. I did some research online and, according to lots of other moms who have carried twins, this is very common because twins don't have nearly as much room as single babies.
On Wednesday, October 28th I had my usual monthly check-up. Once again, both heartbeats were present. In fact, because of where they were each located I even had a sense that they were both head down. Woohoo! I also had normal/healthy blood pressure, no swelling, no cramping, and no bleeding.
Finally, our big moment had arrived. It was time to get an ultrasound that would (hopefully) tell us what Baby A and Baby B are. Since my pregnancy is considered "high risk" because of the twins, I had to make an appointment with a Level 2 Specialist from Rush. Thankfully, they set up a remote location at our hospital twice a month, so we didn't have to go all the way downtown for our detailed ultrasound.
On Friday, November 6th we went in for our ultrasound. We were the first couple scheduled, so we got in quick -- so nice. An female ultrasound technician started our ultrasound as we waited for the Rush doctor to arrive. I laid down on the narrow bed and pulled up my shirt and adjusted my maternity pants so my belly was completely exposed. She placed the warm ultrasound gel on my belly and started scanning my belly.
"Do you know the sex of the babies?" she asked as she continued roaming around my belly.
"No, but we'd like to know," I smiled as I watched mine and Dan's personal viewing screen.
First thing she noted was that both babies were head down.
I looked over at Dan, who was sitting in a chair next to me. "I told you I thought they were head down." He smiled.
"Well, this baby (on the right) looks like a girl." She moved over to my left. "And this baby looks like a boy."
I quickly turned to Dan and flashed him a big smile -- a girl and a boy, this was what we were hoping for! Dan smiled back and we both continued to watch the monitor as we lovingly gazed upon our precious babies.
The ultrasound tech noted that our daughter would be called Baby A, since she was lowest and most likely to deliver first. She quickly got to work at taking specific images of Baby A. She only took a couple of images when she quickly reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone.
"I think this is the doctor," she announced as she looked at her phone. "I'm going to go get him and bring him back so he can take over." After a simple "Okay" from me, she took off.
After about 10-15 minutes, the doctor arrived and politely introduced himself. He sat down next to me and basically started over, telling us what the lady before had said -- head down, Baby A is a girl and Baby B is a boy... we'll start with Baby A.
He swirled the wand around the top of my belly, getting lots of images of our active baby girl. He took several photos for official business and even printed some for us to keep. About half-way through his examination I politely asked him if Baby A still looks like a girl. "Oh yes," he replied with confidence.
"Now let's go take a look at Baby B," he announced as he moved the wand over to my left side. Upon looking at our son, the doctor quickly noted that he was on the smaller side,
"He's always been smaller," I explained in a calm, matter-of-fact tone. "Isn't is common for one baby to be smaller than the other?"
"Well..." his voice was quiet and his eyes were looking closely at the screen, "it can happen... but not really..."
Moments later, the doctor tried to pick up our son's heartbeat. When I heard nothing I wasn't immediately concerned. Babies move so much and when they're not in the right spot it can be tricky to get a quality sound, but then the doctor moved over to Baby A and got her heartbeat good and strong almost instantly. It made me smile. The doctor quickly turned off the sound and turned to face me.
"This is not good," he quietly spoke. I felt my eyes widen and my stomach twist. "B has no heartbeat. B has passed."
My heart sank and my eyes instantly filled with tears as I immediately replied, "No! There were two heartbeats just last week!" I turned and looked at Dan. "There were two heartbeats!" I looked back at the doctor. "There were two heartbeats last week. Check again! Please, check again!" I begged.
The doctor didn't say a word, his eyes spoke directly to me. Baby B, our son, was no longer living inside of me.
I covered my face as I burst into tears. I couldn't form any words, all I could do was cry. Dan and the doctor held my hands and helped me sit up. I continued to sob uncontrollably as denial continued to race throughout my mind. Is this really happening?
Once my tears slowed down and I managed to get in a couple good breaths, the doctor said he would go and contact my personal doctor. When he stepped away, Dan and I just held each other and cried.
Minutes later, my doctor arrived and opened her arms to give me a long, drawn out hug of support. She expressed sincere condolences and asked the other doctor if we knew the sex of the baby.
"It looks like a boy," he replied.
From that moment on, our doctor referred to Baby B as our son and I really appreciated that.
As I continued to slowly calm down, Dan and I began asking a lot of painfully difficult questions.
What do we do now? Nothing. Your daughter is developing beautifully and we don't want to disturb her, so we're just going to let him be and keep an eye on your daughter.
Will I have to get a c-section? No, you can certainly deliver naturally if you'd like.
Will I deliver him? Yes, when it comes time to deliver your daughter you will deliver her first and then you will deliver your son.
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I didn't want to ask my next question.
What... what will be left... when I do deliver him? He will likely dissolve away and by the time you give birth; there probably won't be much left, besides the placenta. Of course, if by chance he does remain much like he is now, you will certainly have an opportunity to hold him and do what you'd like with his body.
Such questions I never thought I'd ask. Questions that I didn't want to ask, but I'm glad that I did. Without knowing for sure, based of Baby B's history and current state, it is believed that he had a chromosomal abnormality and that is why he did not make it.
Suddenly, it dawned on me. This may be the last time, the only time, we will see our son in this condition -- on earth anyway. Immediately I asked if someone could scan my belly and get some photos of our son. So after my doctor left, the other doctor proceeded to fulfill my request.
The room was silent as we got our first good look at our son. He was so still and quiet. His only movement came from my body and his sister. I just wanted to hold him!
Once the doctor was finished and we said our goodbyes, the female ultrasound technician came back in the room and shared her sympathy.
"I knew," she started to speak as comforted me, "that's why I had to excuse myself."
Surely delivering such news is the worst part for any medical professional -- and is probably a main reason why I would hate such a job.
Once I was cleaned up and ready to leave, Dan and I slowly walked down the long hallway towards the exit. Our faces were still red from crying and I clung tightly to our baby photos. As we stepped into the waiting room, a room filled with couples also expecting babies, I turned my face and used my hair to cover my puffy, red, tear-stained face. I got out of there as quick as I could -- I didn't want to discourage any of the other parents with my obviously sad expression.
The experience left Dan and I numb. The only thing we could think of was not going to work and picking up Ava. Oh how we both just wanted to hug and hold Ava. So that's what we did. We each contacted work and made arrangements to take the rest of the day off. We also contacted Mary Jane (our pastor's wife, who was watching Ava).
We didn't do anything exciting. The day was a blur. We went out for lunch at The Cheesecake Factory and picked paint colors for our basement in an attempt to distract ourselves and stop crying.
Since we were scheduled to have family and friends come over the next day for a gender reveal party, we decided not to cancel the party, but instead we called everyone ahead of time to give them a heads up on what we had just found out. Obviously, those were not easy phone calls. While our hearts were heavy as we grieved our son, we also wanted to celebrate our daughter -- so we kept our gender secrets for the party. I especially encouraged our guests to come happy, because we still have a lot to celebrate.
Later that night, I was in my room, getting ready for bed. I thought about my babies and I burst into tears as I lovingly rubbed my belly.
"I'm so sorry, sweetie!" I quietly sobbed out loud, talking to my son. "Mommy is so sorry! I should have read to you more... I should have sang to you... I should have savored our time together... I'm sorry... I didn't know you were gone."
I know that there was nothing I could have done differently, but in that moment I just prayed that our son knows how much his mom and dad love and miss him.
The next day, the day of the party, it felt good to be surrounded by so much love and support. Over all, it was still a happy occasion. Then came time to reveal the gender of Baby A and Baby B...
Inside two large gift bags were balloons representing each baby. Dan tied a string to each bag and let Ava do the honor of revealing each baby. Baby A was first. Ava pulled the string and Dan helped the PINK balloons pour out on our family room floor. Our family and friends cheered for Baby A, Ava's little sister. Next, Ava was instructed to pull the string and reveal Baby B. Ava gave a playful tug and Dan helped BLUE balloons pour out onto the floor. I don't think every balloon made it out of the bag before Dan dropped the bag and began to cry. He sat next his sister (Stefanie) and his mother quickly went to his side for support. Soft claps and a wave of "awes" quietly echoed throughout the house.
While Dan was unable to speak, I addressed our broken hearts as we honored our son's life. Honestly, I don't remember what I said, but as I spoke I had my mom holding my right hand and my Aunt Tamie holding my left. I could see a room filled with red, tear-filled eyes and quiet sniffs as I spoke.
As I wrapped up our little memorial, I had one request. I asked that we have some time of prayer and reflection. I volunteered to open and close and, should no one else fill the gaps, a moment of silent prayer would also be appreciated. I was greatly encouraged when select loved ones prayed aloud for our son, daughter, and our broken hearts. It was a beautiful, bittersweet moment. I really felt so much peace and comfort in honoring our son.
That evening, I filled out the prayer request form on our church's website in hopes that the news would get out before the service Sunday morning. Thankfully, it did. As much as I was not looking forward to sharing such upsetting news, our church family was expecting an update and I didn't want anyone feeling bad for cheerfully asking for an update only to get some good and bad news.
Next came updating our news via Facebook. That took me a while. Then, on November 16th I posted two images...
Sharing such news twisted my gut and broke my heart every single time -- no matter how it was done. It was all so weird. Grieving a loss while celebrating a life. There really are no words to describe such a feeling. I've had such a hard time wrapping my head around this whole experience. I guess there is no way I ever will.
It has taken some time, but Ava seems to have successfully replaced "twins" with "baby sister" when we discuss why mommy's belly continues to grow. She is so excited about being a big sister and she can't wait to hold, hug, and kiss her little sister -- and sometimes she even claims she'll help with dirty diapers and share her toys. It's adorable!
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| Baby A (left) and Baby B (right) Photo Credit: Robb Davidson www.robb-davidson.com |
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| Baby A (left) and Baby B (right) Photo Credit: Robb Davidson www.robb-davidson.com |
Naturally, I have saved all the ultrasound photos we have of our twins. I plan to keep many of them in a specially made box, along with cards from loved ones, a few gifts we have gotten, and, of course, one of the Mickey Mouse onesies that we used to reveal our grand announcement at the Grand Canyon, in memory of our son.
As our second daughter's due date quickly approaches (YAY!), I just want to take a moment to say THANK YOU for the love and support we have gotten throughout this pregnancy. This pregnancy journey has been a roller coaster, to say the least, and while we still have the bittersweet task of delivering both babies ahead of us, I feel stronger knowing we are being lifted up in prayer -- and your continued prayers are greatly appreciated. I have a very active little girl growing inside of me and we can't wait to meet her!
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| Photo Credit: Robb Davidson www.robb-davidson.com |
While our son did not get to officially meet his earthly parents, we know that he is happy, healthy, and safe with his Heavenly Father -- a father who also knows what it's like to grieve the death of a son.
Now, since I usually close these blog posts with a meaningful song, I will share "Through All Of It" by Colton Dixon. This song has gotten me through the ups and downs of this pregnancy, so I hope it will encourage you as well -- no matter what life's ups and downs bring your way. It is a beautiful reminder of how God, our Heavenly Father, is always there, in the good and bad times. He is there, through all of it.
