Monday, May 28, 2013

This is not a story I want to share and this is certainly not a story that I want to remember. However, I promised that I would continue to share my pregnancy journey with each of you -- and a promise is a promise. Plus, I really feel like God's presence, as always, is evident and that is the most important reason to share this difficult story.

 

Now, before I get into details, I have two disclaimers for you... (1) This post is going to get a little graphic and might be disturbing for some readers, so please, proceed with caution and (2) There is a happy ending to this story. I hate to spoil the ending, but trust me, you'll be happy that I did.

 

On May 28th I kept waking up with the urge to use the bathroom. The urge wasn't intense, so I ignored it and tried to sleep. At about 4:30 in the morning I had woken up for the third time. A little disgruntled by my lack of consistent sleep, I finally got out of bed and made my way to our master bathroom. The only light I had was moonlight through the bathroom windows and a tiny nightlight. It was enough to see what no expecting mother wants to see. There was blood! Lots of blood!

 

My heart raced as I quickly flipped on the bathroom light. I looked without blinking, trying to figure out if what I was seeing was real. Sadly, it was real and in an instant I was wide awake.

 

Once I got cleaned up, I turned off the light and exited the bathroom. Carefully, I walked into our room and made my way to my side of the bed. I don't know why, but for a brief moment I actually hesitated to wake Dan. I think I was in denial that there was actually a problem. Naturally, I knew I had to tell him.

 

"Dan," I quietly and calmly called out. Dan started to stir. "I'm going to turn on the light."

 

I turned on the light on my side of the bed and then slowly kneeled on the bed. Dan rolled over and looked at me.

 

"What's wrong?" he quietly asked, squinting as he faced the light.

 

"I just went to the bathroom and, well, I saw blood."

 

Dan was wide awake.

 

Neither of us was sure what to do next. Do we call the doctor? Do we just go straight to the ER? Are we getting worked up over nothing? I decided to call my doctor's office (knowing it wouldn't be open) and Dan started doing some research online.

 

I spoke with a nice operator when I called my doctor's office. I was shaking as my voice trembled and tears filled my eyes. I tried to remain calm as I explained what I saw and she was sympathetic as she took down my information.

 

The operator said she would contact the on-call doctor and pass along my message. She said that the on-call doctor will be in touch with advise on how to proceed.

 

Once I got off the phone I started pacing the room. Dan and I were in disbelief that this was actually happening. Needless to say, we did a lot of praying from here on out.

 

A few minutes later, I looked at my phone and noticed that I had a missed call and a voicemail. I had forgotten that my phone was in "do not disturb" mode (11:00 pm - 6:00 am), so that's how I missed the call. I quickly listened to the voicemail. The doctor said that if there was a lot of blood we should go to the emergency room. I had no doubt in my mind, there was a lot of blood. So we got dressed and made our was the the ER.

 

The ER was quiet, so we got taken care of right away. First, a nurse took my vitals. Everything was normal, except my blood pressure was a little high -- the nurse figured it was because I was nervous and she certainly understood why.

 

Next, Dan and I were taken to a private room in the ER where I changed into a hospital gown and got into bed. I had no idea what to expect next, but I was surprisingly calm -- calm enough to ask Dan to take a picture of me.

 

 

Not much time passed and I had a doctor and a nurse in my room, ready to examine me. The doctor and his nurse were very nice and caring. The especially sweet, female nurse held my hand as the doctor examined me. There was more blood making it's way out of my body. Dan came over and held my other hand as I winced in pain and discomfort.

 

During the examination, Dan suddenly became extremely pale. He said he felt lightheaded and the nurse told him to have a seat. Apparently Dan was quite upset watching the doctor clean out the blood and seeing me so uncomfortable, so much that it made him dizzy.

 

After the doctor left, the nurse asked me about what I saw in the bathroom.

 

"Was the blood dark red or bright red?" she calmly asked.

 

"Dark red for sure," I replied with confidence.

 

You never want to see blood when you're pregnant, but if it does happen, dark blood is what you want to see. Dark blood is old blood.

 

The nurse went on to tell me that she had some bleeding with her second or third baby and everything was fine. Her story was quite comforting for Dan and I.

 

At this point we had a feeling that this would be a long morning for us, so Dan got in contact with his boss and I got in contact with a co-worker (and friend) who would pass the message on to my boss.

 

Later, the doctor scheduled an ultrasound so they could get a look at the baby, but since I had nothing in my system the nurse inserted a catheter so they could fill my bladder with sterile water -- no fun, no fun at all.

 

When it was time for my ultrasound Dan had to stay back -- I really don't know why. I felt bad for him and (of course!) I really wanted him to be with me.

 

While still in bed, my nurse rolled me to one of the ultrasound rooms. There, the ultrasound tech (another nice lady), used the catheter to fill my bladder with sterile water. I watched as my belly expanded -- it felt so weird, but was also slightly amusing. Once my bladder was full she started examining everything in my belly.

 

The ultrasound tech let me peek at her monitor as she examined me. There were moments that I could tell what she was looking at, but most of the time I had no idea. It certainly didn't help that she moved really fast too.

 

When she got to the baby she slowed down. At this point I was 11+ weeks pregnant and this was my first view of our baby actually looking like a baby. As I carefully watched the screen, I saw the baby move.

 

"Did the baby just move?" I asked with a big smile.

 

"Yes, that's your baby moving," she smiled back.

 

I watched my little baby move and groove in my belly. It was a beautiful sight -- I could easily watch it all day!

 

Next, she checked the baby's heartbeat and it looked good. She wasn't able to tell me much, since the images she captured needed to be reviewed by the doctor, but she said that the baby had a good heartbeat. I felt so much relief.

 

When I was rolled back into my room, Dan quickly noticed me and I smiled at him.

 

"I saw the baby move," I proudly announced and Dan was very relieved.

 

Once the catheter was removed I was free to use the bathroom and change back into my normal clothes.

 

Next, we waited... and waited... and waited... and waited.

 

I pulled out my phone and checked my Bible app to read today's verse of the day.

 

I was amazed at what I saw! Surely God was speaking to me through his written word, there was/is no doubt in my mind. Call me strange, but as worried as I was, I always had this inner peace that the baby is okay and that everything was going to be okay. God was keeping both Dan and I strong and this verse served as a beautiful reminder to both of us.

As we continued to wait... and wait... and wait... and wait... a friendly nurse (who had just started her shift) came in and offered us some snacks. We had nothing in our system and were starting to get hungry. She also said that we were free to watch TV while we wait.

I'll spare you the drawn out wait that we experienced and just jump to the conclusion... a doctor confirmed that we still have a live birth. However, they did find a small blood clot in the gestational sac. The doctor strongly suggested that we schedule an appointment to meet with my doctor within the next day or so, but since we were leaving for Florida the next day he suggested that we see her later today. We scheduled an appointment immediately.

As they prepared to discharge me, I had to sign some paper work and a nurse explained that I was diagnosed with a "threatened miscarriage" -- NOT a friendly medical term in the slightest. Next, I was strongly advised to reduce stress, relax, drink lots of water, and not do any heavy lifting.

 

I called my boss during our drive home and gave her an update on my situation. I decided to stay home and rest. Dan went into work for a little bit, but he came home so he could join me for my doctor's appointment at 3:30 pm.

 

Our meeting with my doctor went beautifully. She did an excellent job of thoroughly explaining what I had experienced. Her calm and confident tone put our minds at ease and we no longer felt nervous about our baby's condition.

 

A "threatened miscarriage" is used whenever there is vaginal blood during a pregnancy. What most people don't know is that it is common. Again, the major difference is in the color. Dark red blood is the better of the two options, but still shouldn't be ignored. Bright red blood is fresh blood and should be examined immediately.

 

The small blood clot in the gestational sac is also believed to be more common than people know. However, many go undetected during pregnancy. I found out about our clot simply because of the dark blood episode -- which was unrelated. There is nothing they can do about a clot like this. Our best hope is that it takes care of itself -- and most will do just that.

 

When I reminded my doctor about our upcoming trip to Florida (and Disney World), she simply told us to have fun -- so long as I stay hydrated and don't do anything extreme. She also explained that I would probably get some more bleeding over the next couple of days (much like my period). As long as the blood doesn't come out bright red, along with unbearable cramping, I should be fine.

 

I don't know why God permitted such a scary experience. He of all people know how much we've longed for a baby. Truth is, I may never understand why Dan and I had to go through all that drama. As much as I try to understand God's plans, I can't. No one can. Like I've said before, God sees the big picture, we don't.

 

The best answer I can come up with is God wanted to get a clear message to me to take it easy. I have four jobs, lots of gigs that I volunteer for, and I'm a social butterfly. Other than feeling icky and tired, my pregnancy hasn't been super obvious and at times I would even forget that I'm pregnant. Maybe God wanted to remind me of the blessing He has given me and that I need to take better care of myself?

 

Since May 28th I have done more to stay relaxed and hydrated. I eat better and I spend more time watching TV, movies, and basically being a bum. I'm taking a step back from some of my work and the gigs that I volunteer for. Old habits certainly die hard, but I trust that I'm making the right decisions because I feel nothing but peace when I pray about the areas of my life that I am changing.

 

Trials make us stronger and help us focus on the areas that we need to improve. Who can deny that? Athletes are a great example! They purposely challenge themselves so they can get stronger, faster, etc. We give standing ovations to the athletes who get injured on a race course but hobble their way past the finish line. Why? Because they don't give up. They don't blame someone else because they stepped wrong and twisted their ankle.

 

Life is filled with trials and challenges. Life won't get easy if we place the blame on God (or anyone else for that matter) every time things don't go according to our plan. Many people want to be blessed by God, but they don't want God to be part of their lives.

 

I may not understand why God permitted the events of May 28th, but I know that he was with me and Dan every step of the way, opening our eyes to see his blessings from a whole new perspective.

Confessions

Whenever I blog, I always do my best to stay open and honest. Lately, my blog posts have been more on the serious side (exclude my previous post about Ivory shampoo and body wash), but if you look back at older posts you'll see that they're quite random and usually upbeat. Still, no matter what I write, I want to be honest. That being said, I feel like I have some confessions to make.

Infertility brings out a lot of colorful emotions in people. Usually they're not pretty. There's anger, frustration, disappointment, and plenty of jealousy.

My mom has always said that I'm like my dad -- I'm a happy person unless someone/something makes me sad. Infertility makes me very sad!

My first confession is odd. While on my infertility journey I started daydreaming about what it would be like to announce that I'm expecting a baby. I wanted to say the words, even if they weren't true. I wanted it to (somehow!) come up in conversation with a stranger so I could say the words and feel the [false] joy. I just wanted to know what it felt like to make such an announcement. Rest easy, I never made any false baby announcements -- not even close. This strange urge just illustrates some of my infertility emotions.

My second confession comes as no surprise to anyone who has ever longed to have a baby. I struggled with feeling jealous of those who already had children, especially the ones who were successful with very little (or no) effort. Yep, I know I'm not alone on this one -- I've had many friends confess this to me.

Jealousy is, by far, my least favorite emotion. It's cold, bitter and only gets worse if gone untreated. How does one treat jealously? Easy! Through prayer and counting your blessings. The grass isn't always greener on the other side and you don't always know the full story. Jealousy typically comes from only seeing a small part of someone's joy. Sometimes seeing the whole story will make you understand why their joy should be shared by all... instead of being jealous of what they have and you don't.

Now, do I get jealous every time I hear a baby announcement or see one posted on Facebook? No! Certainly not. Do I enjoy going to baby showers? Yes! Always! Seriously, what girl doesn't like picking out adorable baby clothes, even if they're not for her baby? I've always enjoyed shopping for baby showers. Oddly enough, that is the one area that I have never struggled. I guess I just love baby showers.

Truth be told, some days are better than others and on my darker days I would quickly ask God for peace of mind so I could genuinely congratulate the expecting parents. Again, prayer works and yes it does work that fast.

My third confession might be weird to some, but certainly not to all. When Dan and I first adopted our shelter puppy (Jetta) I was surprised at how much I enjoyed hearing others refer to me as Jetta's mom. Obviously I am not Jetta's biological mother (duh!), but she is family and in many ways I care for her like I would my own children. I show her love, I cuddle with her, make sure she is well fed and hydrated, and I discipline her when she is naughty. Jetta may be a family pet, but to me and Dan she is family and we are her adopted parents. It just feels good to know that someone (human or pet) can count on you to take care of them... and if that makes me Jetta's "mom", I'll take it!

My last confession is, well, a big one. While I was in Philadelphia I wrote a blog post about mine and Dan's next fertility treatment -- which was being postponed. While everything in that post was true (my treatment would've started while I was in Philly), I knew that there was a good chance that I wasn't going need another treatment. Why? Because on Saturday, April 6, 2013, I took two positive pregnancy tests!

Yes, while I was writing that blog post I knew that there was a good chance that those tests were telling the truth and that I was pregnant. So, while I wasn't able to get confirmation from my doctor until after my business trip was over, I quickly wrote that blog post to throw all of you off the scent. Sneaky, I know, but I took this unique opportunity to give Dan and I some time to share our baby news with our families and close friends.

If you've been following my infertility journey you're probably wondering, "What happened? I thought you didn't finish your last treatment?"

Yes, you are correct. I didn't finish my last treatment. The week that Dr. S and his team were watching my follicles, they were growing very slowly. On Friday, March 22nd Jennifer (my nurse) thought I'd be ready for my HCG shot (the trigger that releases the egg from the follicle) by Tuesday the 26th -- maaaaybe Monday the 25th.

When I showed up on Monday, March 25th Jennifer was surprised to discover that I had already ovulated. So there was absolutely no point in proceeding with the rest of the fertility treatment. That meant, no HCG shot and no IUI (insemination). Basically at that point, Jennifer told me to cross my fingers and hope that we got pregnant on our own.

At this point, I had a feeling that I was pregnant. Of course it was too early for me to have any symptoms, but my doctor and his team were so baffled by my body's behavior. I sensed God's hands at work -- since He knows my body best and is the master of perfect timing.

Later that week I started to feel some light abdominal cramping and lower back pain. I wondered if I was getting my period, but these cramps felt different. It's difficult to describe, but normally when Aunt Flow is getting ready for her visit I will get these light cramps that rapidly turn into intense, sharp cramps that make my insides feel like they're being twisted, almost to the point of bursting. These cramps, however, stayed light/mild for days. I avoided taking any pain killers just in case I was pregnant.

Then, one day I was sitting at my desk at work when I felt a sudden, sharp pain by my left ovary. It lasted about 5-10 seconds and then passed. I couldn't help but wonder if that was my baby passing through the fallopian tube -- apparently some women can feel.

My doctor wanted me to come in on Monday, April 8th to take a pregnancy test. Since I knew I was going to be in Philadelphia, Jennifer told me I could take an at-home pregnancy test before I go -- since it'll be really close to April 8th.

Dan and I patiently waited until Saturday, April 6th. First thing that morning I took a pregnancy test. I brought the test (upside down so I couldn't see the results) into our bedroom and sat on the bed with Dan. We were both very anxious to see the results.

I slowly flipped it over and looked closely at the test. I saw one bold pink line and a second faded pink line. I held my applause, so to speak, as I told Dan what I saw. He took the test from my hand and examined it.

"I think that means we're pregnant... doesn't it?"

"Two lines is two lines... right?"

"I think it's a positive test! Don't you?"

In that moment, I believe we both knew it was a positive test result, but we wanted a much clearer answer before we started really jumping for joy.

That morning we ran some errands and I picked up a digital pregnancy test. This test had no lines. You either saw "pregnant" or "not pregnant" in digital wording. How much clearer can a test be?

Once again, I sat down on the bed and lovingly looked into Dan's eyes. As I prepared to flip the test over and reveal the results, I felt my excitement grow -- it just HAD to say "pregnant".

Deep breath.

I flipped the test over and there it was, clear as day... PREGNANT!

"That says pregnant! That says pregnant!" I burst with joy as I showed the test to Dan. I could feel myself glowing as I bounced on the bed. "That's says pregnant!"

Dan and I hugged and praised God -- did we ever. Even Jetta wagged her happy, little tail as we had a mini celebration. Dan and I couldn't stop staring at that pregnancy test. It was such a relief to see that single word reveal such a big announcement.

WE ARE HAVING A BABY!

That evening, Dan and I went out to one of our favorite restaurants in Chicago, Geja's. We had planned to go out for dinner before I left for Philadelphia, but we picked a much nicer restaurant in honor of our news. Of course, when we posted on Facebook that we were at Geja's we only said it was because of my upcoming business trip -- I guess that's yet another confession.

While I was in Philadelphia I made a call to my doctor's office to notify them about our positive pregnancy tests. I spoke with Jennifer and she was so excited for us. Before her and hung up I made an appointment to get blood drawn -- to confirm my pregnancy.

Keeping our news a secret until we had confirmation from our doctor was painfully hard. It's especially difficult when so many people know your story and ask for updates. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everyone's care and concern... I just hated that I couldn't give the whole truth right away.

Shortly after my return home I went in for my blood test. The results were in later that day -- YES, my numbers were certainly high enough to confirm that I was pregnant.

A few days later I had an ultrasound. Let me tell you, there isn't much to see when you're only about five weeks pregnant. Even after zooming in times a million (eh, something like that... close enough), our baby was nothing more than a piece of lint on a screen. But he/she was there! It was an incredible sight.

Next, came the really fun part -- sharing our news with loved ones!

Whenever I was about to share our news with family/friends, I would rehearse what I was going to say over and over in my head. I tried to break the news in a fun and unique way every time I made the announcement. My heart would race when I would hesitate to bring up the news -- I wanted everything to go right so I can create a perfect memory for everyone involved. Once I found the right moment to share our news I felt like I was leaping off a building. The adrenaline would kick into high gear and I would think to myself, "There's no turning back now... say it now and don't mess up!"

Every time the news came out, I could see and feel my hands shaking -- that's adrenaline for you. Who thought sharing such an announcement could give someone such a rush?!

As many of you already know, any big news shared in person cannot be posted on Facebook until the one with the news posts first. I had big plans for how we would do our official Facebook announcement and I'll admit that as the word got out I was a little nervous that someone would slip and post on my Facebook wall "Congratulations!" or "Can't wait to meet your little one!" before Dan and I had a chance to make the announcement ourselves. Thankfully we had no public wall posts revealing our news. Phew!

On February 6, 2013, Dan and I booked a spontaneous trip to Orlando, Florida with my parents -- airfare was incredibly low. While we anticipated the idea of having a baby on the way, while in Florida, we certainly didn't consider it a done deal. Sure enough, I ventured to Florida as an expecting mother.

Since Dan and I are big Disney fans (especially me), we decided to use the unique opportunity to do our big and final reveal in front of Cinderella's castle at the Magic Kingdom.

On Thursday, May 30, 2013, while holding up an adorable Mickey onesie that Dan got me for Mother's Day, we smiled as pictures were taken with various cameras -- one of which was my cell phone. I didn't post the photo right away. Dan and I decided to wait for a little bit, until we were both ready.

A few hours passed and it was lunch time. I took out my phone and prepared our official Facebook baby announcement. I was 11 weeks and 6 days pregnant, so I was just about to start my second trimester. The timing was perfect!

This was our announcement...

"Dan and I are very excited to announce that we're expecting our first Mouseketeer in December! Praise God!"

I posted the photo (above) along with our announcement and I felt a sudden rush of excitement. Mine and Dan's phones were blowing up with photo "likes" and comments congratulating us on our baby news. I was in absolute awe of how emotional some of our friends were when the read our news. Our friends were cheering out loud, crying tears of joy, and praising God for his blessing upon us. It was very encouraging to read so many beautiful messages.

The support from our family and friends has given us so much strength throughout our infertility journey. I can't stress it enough... prayer is powerful! Ever since I opened up and started sharing our story I have felt so much love and so much strength from above. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us.

While sharing my news with family and friends has been fun and exciting, I still do my best to stay sensitive to those who are still wandering on their infertility journey. How does one stay sensitive when you're filled with so much joy?

Even when I was on my infertility journey I still felt joy and happiness for those who had children or were expecting children. Like I've mentioned before, if I wasn't in the mood to deal with seeing babies and happy parents, I simply stayed off the computer and prayed.

Obviously, one can't doge babies and parents forever. That is where prayer is so important! Dan and I both prayed for joy, peace, patient, and strength. As time passed I could feel myself becoming more and more accepting of baby announcements and expecting parents. My joy for these babies and parents felt completely genuine and I was grateful that the bitterness seem to be melting away -- or just showed up a lot less frequently. It's not their fault I'm struggling with infertility and it's certainly not fair for me to make them feel guilty for feeling joy just because I struggle with infertility.

Now, sometimes joy, peace, patients, and strength can fade when you're constantly put in your place, so to speak. For example, there are some parents who can't help but flaunt their baby news and/or their children. When conversation simply revolves around nothing but their ultrasounds, cravings, and how they plan to decorate the baby's room... well, I could only take so much before my heart would start to ache. To someone who is struggling with infertility it's like hearing expecting parents say, "We're having a baby and you're not..." over and over and over. I don't want to be like that.

Having a baby and having children is a very special time and parents have every right to be excited and share their news, but honestly, any subject, catch phrase, song, or quote can get old when put on constant repeat. While I certainly enjoy discussing my baby, I try not to go overboard and appear obsessed -- I do have other things I'd like to talk about.

I look forward to sharing my pregnancy journey with each of you, but don't be surprised if I venture on to different topics once in a while. My blog has been around since March 2008 and it has always been random.

For now, I'll close with two prayer requests:

1. Pray for Baby Nelly -- Nelly is a nickname for our last name, Nelson. As of today, our due date is December 12, 2013. While most of my morning sickness and lack of energy seem to be behind me, I know that we've still got a long road ahead of us. Please pray for a healthy pregnancy -- for both mom and baby.

2. Pray for those who are struggling with infertility. My heart still aches for those who travel on this unpredictable journey. It's depressing and I wish no one had to deal with it. Still, infertility is out there and countless couples are dealing with it. Please continue to pray for them.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive of mine and Dan's infertility journey. Now that we've moved on to the next chapter (a much more exciting and happy chapter), I look forward to sharing my joy with each of you.

Influenster: Ivory® 2-IN-1 Hair & Body Wash

Once again, Influenster has generously given me a full-size product to test out a review. In this particular Vox Box, I received Ivory® 2-IN-1 Hair & Body Wash -- designed to save shower space and simplify your time in the shower.

My first reaction to this product was, "2-in-1 hair and body wash? This sounds like something for [my husband] Dan."

I'm a girl and (sadly!) my hair dries out very easily. I avoid 2-in-1-anything for that reason -- even if it says that it has conditioner included, I still need a separate condition to keep my hair soft and healthy. Still, I thought it was worth trying out as a body wash. So I did just that.

The smell of Ivory® has always been a clean and refreshing scent. This body wash is no different. It lathers up nicely and I certainly felt clean after using it! Using it as a "shaving cream" worked out nicely too.

I believe that using this product as a hair and body wash seems more appropriate for a guy. So I've moved the remaining Ivory® 2-IN-1 Hair & Body Wash to my husband's space in the shower. Surely, I'll use it as a body wash from time to time, but I'll pass on using it for my hair. He is sure to appreciate the simpicity that the Ivory® 2-IN-1 Hair & Body Wash has to offer.

Ivory® 2-IN-1 Hair & Body Wash
SPOTTED : $3.50 at Walmart and Target. Can also be found at Drugstore.com

NOTE: I received these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes.

A New Take on a Mother's Day Sermon

Mother's Day always lands on a Sunday. As a child I would spend the morning greeting my mom with love, attention, and some presents. My dad would make breakfast and we would celebrate my mom and all that she does for us. Later that morning we would head over to church. We would sing and praise God for all mothers -- the ones present as well as the ones mentioned in the Bible.

When it came to sermons about mothers, it was very typical to hear stories about Mary and other strong moms who have made a positive impact on scripture. It wasn't common to hear sermons about mothers like Elizabeth, who struggled to have just one child.

Mother's Day is meant to be positive, but that's not always the case... is it?

While I agree that Mother's Day is a beautiful holiday (and most mothers deserve more than one day to celebrate all that they do for us), Mother's Day can also make countless women grieve and ache. I'm talking about the women who long to be wives so one day they can become mothers, the women who are struggling to become mothers due to health issues, the women who cannot (biologically) become mothers, and the women who are fighting with adoption agencies to bring their adopted children home.

My heart aches for these women.

At one point in my life I struggled to believe that I would ever get married. I didn't date in high school and college wasn't much different. I was good at being best buds with my guys friends, but I guess they never saw me as "girlfriend material". Thankfully, this story has a happy ending because my first serious boyfriend became my husband. Dan and I have been together for over eight years and our four-year wedding anniversary quickly coming up next month. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. Even after all these years I still look at Dan and thank God for bringing him into my life. I still look at Dan in awe and admire how beautifully our relationship has evolved over the years. Dan is an answer to prayer.

Mine and Dan's relationship in built on a firm foundation of faith, with Christ in the center. Every night we pray together, praising God for His countless blessings, and when times get rough we pray even more. Sometimes, in the middle of a fight, we'll stop everything and just pray together -- that is when we see prayer work the fastest.

Now that I'm happily married, I came face-to-face with a new struggle... will I ever be able to have children of my own? Admitting you need medical assistance to have a baby is quite embarrassing. It leaves you feeling like you've failed as a woman and already failed as a mother. That's grief setting in and it isn't going anywhere.

Infertility awarenss has been growing a lot these days and I am still shocked at how many women/families struggle with infertility. Not to mention, the many friends I know who have struggled to have a baby or are still struggling to have a baby.

This past Sunday, Mother's Day, our Student Ministries Pastor, Will Peycke, shared a sermon that gave a whole new perspective on Mother's Day. He spent time focusing on encouraging the women who long to be mothers.

Pastor Will's sermon was extremely encouraging and certainly one of the best Mother's Day sermons I have ever heard! His thoughtful words encouraged women and families to "stay in the story" and keep calling out to God when times get hard.

It is so easy for us to get discouraged when things don't go our way. It's amazing how quickly we become bitter and angry with God when He doesn't answer our prayers the way we want. Again, we have to keep in mind that God's timing is perfect and while we don't always understand His plan, it is in our best interest in trust Him.

Think about a child at a store with his/her parents. The child wants some candy but the parents say no. Next, the child screams and throws a fit in the middle of the store crying out, "You're so mean to me! You never let me have anything I want!"

Is that true? Are the parents mean for denying the child some candy right at that moment. Absolutely not!

Sadly, this is how we act when God doesn't say "yes" right away to our prayers. We get upset and claim things that certainly aren't true.

"You're so mean to me!"

Really? Take a step back and count your blessings. God is so good to us! He treats us better than we deserve and too often we take His love, mercy, and forgiveness for granted.

I'll admit, I've acted like a child when God hasn't answered my prayers rigth away. I've gotten angry and upset, telling Him how disappointed I am in His decisions for my life. I can be a real brat sometimes... a real spoiled brat!

While the road of infertility is certainly not an easy one, I have learned to stay in my story and to remain faithful to God. Some days I worry more than others, but when I have moments of doubt I've learned to call out to God and ask for peace. Again, it's amazing how quickly God can answers such prayers.

I'd like to encourage everyone to listen to Pastor Will's Mother's Day sermon. Follow the link I've provided below and click on "Mother's Day: Stay in the Story".

Parker Road Bible Church Sermon for Sunday, May 12, 2013

"Mother's Day: Stay in the Story"

Luke 1:5-14

Student Ministries Pastor, William Peycke

 

Student Ministries Pastor, Will Peycke in Alaska on a youth group mission trip June 2011.

National Infertility Awareness Week 2013

Sunday, April 21st - Saturday, April 27th is National Infertility Awareness Week and for the first time ever, I am struck deeply by this. My eyes and my heart have been opened. I have seen and I have felt the impact of infertility and let me tell you, it hurts!

If there is one thing my infertility journey has taught me, its that I am not alone. There are thousands upon thousands upon thousands of women/couples/families who are struggling with infertility. I know many families who have gone down this path and many who are still dealing with the uncertainties of infertility treatments. Honestly, it is almost just as painful to watch someone go through it. There is so much heartache dealing with a condition that you have absolutely no control over and you have no idea when you'll see the ultimate positive results -- a baby.

Today is Wednesday, April 24th and we are right smack in the middle of National Infertility Awareness Week. I'm going to keep this post very brief and just ask all my readers to take a moment and pray for everyone who is struggling with infertility -- as well as those who will experience it in the future. Infertility is a painful roller coaster with numerous ups and downs and I have God to thank for keeping me strong and hopeful. Prayer is powerful and it can change any story.

Please! Stop what you're doing! Take a moment and join me as I pray for the countless women/couples/families who are struggling with infertility. One simple prayer can make all the difference.

THANK YOU!

Time Out

One thing that has been exceptionally nice about being on so many medications, is the fact that it has made Aunt Flow very predictable. It sounds silly but I think it's FABulous!

For Christmas, my in-laws got me a 2013 date planner and I started using it for tracking my (many!) doctor's visits, treatments, and medications. Since I've started seeing Dr. S I have been able to predict, down to the day, when I am going to start my next period -- a feature I have never been able to take advantage of.

Well, since my last treatment was incomplete, Dr. S and I met to discuss my next treatment -- as mentioned in my previous post. Side note: I'm sorry if the ultrasound photos and ovulation test photo got y'all excited for nothing. I just wanted to illustrate the "follicles" I keep talking about. Well, at least I didn't post on April Fools. Ha ha! Lesson learned, not all ultrasound photos are baby photos.

Okay, moving on...

During my meeting with Dr. S, we realized that my next treatment would essentially begin while I'm in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania for a business trip.

Uh-oh.

So Dan and I discussed what we should do. It was weird, we both felt very much at peace about putting our next treatment on pause. This whole journey has been a rollercoaster from the beginning, so a break from the drama of pills, ultrasounds, and blood tests just might be what God has in mind for us. Again, it must be all our prayers, as well as the prayers of our family and friends, that have given us such inner peace about each of our decisions. God's timing is best and I feel good about our game plan.

It felt weird deciding to put our next treatment on hold, but we agreed that we don't want to waste our time or money diving into a treatment that could, very likely, get off to a bumpy start -- since I'll be out of town. Our first treatment got off to a bumpy start and that was just a mess -- and absolutely nothing happened. I am not about to waste another treatment. All those $20 co-pays and medications add up!

So here I am! I'm in Philadelphia for the Ellucian Conference and I'm having a wonderful time. I ran up the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum (Rocky!) and had a Philly cheese steak sandwich for dinner with some of my co-workers.

Also, I may or may not lick the Liberty Bell. Doing such an act would be legendary! All the How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM) fans would understand. For those of you who are confused, please click on HIMYM as a quick reference.

The next few days are going to be busy, so I'll appreciate the distraction. Dan and I have been spending so much time in prayer over our infertility journey and we've got so many others praying as well, I can only give God the credit for calming my heart and giving me peace about the path he is leading me down. I trust him!

Lately, the song "Everything" by Lifehouse has been playing over and over in my mind. I think it's because of all the inner peace I've been experiencing the last month or so. God has me in his arms and I can feel him holding me close. It's amazing how much he loves me!

He's all I want!
He's all I need!
God, you're everything!

I know those aren't the exact lyrics, but that is how Colton Dixon sang the song after he was voted off American Idol. Side note: What a bold statement he made when he did that. Way to go, Colton! Way to stand up for your faith in front of millions of viewers! His courageous act has been such an inspiration. What a bold act for such a young man.

Anyway... moving on...

While I love Lifehouse's version of "Everything", lately I've been listening to Colton Dixon's cover version. Click on "Everything" to watch Colton's take on this beautiful song. The build up towards the end brings me to tears almost every time I listen to it.

While I wait to see what God has in store for me (and Dan), I focus on making God my everything.

So let me apologize in advance if I don't have a fertility update for a while. You guys know I want to keep you as up-to-date as possible. So bear with me as I take a moment to call "time out".

Not if. When!

It's been a while since I've updated my blog and I feel like a lot has happened since my last post, so I'll try to remember as many details as possible so I can get everyone caught up.

I recently started having a difficult time adjusting to my medications. My appetite virtually went out the window. Sometimes I feel like I have morning sickness, but no baby -- so not fair! Often, I'll eat tiny meals -- incomplete meals, if you will -- only to feel full and sometimes sick. Foods that I once loved make me feel like I could vomit just thinking about them. One day I actually force fed myself a healthy oatmeal cookie! Yeah... the week before I was really enjoying them. Then, suddenly, I couldn't stand them. Sad.

When my appetite went down, so did my weight. The pounds were falling off and I could see and feel a difference. When I (rarely!) feel hungry I would take advantage and chow down. Then, I started craving soft foods like applesauce and Spaghetti O's. Just the thought of having to actually chew my food would make my stomach turn. Weird.

I told my doctor about my unpleasant side effects and he assured me that they were all normal. Actually, he also told me that many women experience even more uncomfortable side effects and I should consider myself lucky. I'll spare you the details of those side effects and assure you that I agree with Dr. S... I am lucky.

After my doctor/nurse/ultrasound technician discovered my two growing follicles I was excited. Finally, we were seeing some positive results! While he was happy and sending positive vibes my way, he looked like he was holding his applause, so to speak. My current treatment was still underway but I could see the wheels in his head start to turn.

I was confused.

How can this treatment not be working? We can see the follicles growing!


Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Two follicles on my left ovary are about 11mm each. One is visible, the other is next to it and less visible.

Friday, March 22nd arrived and I went to the doctor's to check on my growing follicles. Dr. S was out of the office, so my RN (Jennifer) did my ultrasound. During the ultrasound Jennifer discovered that one follicle on my left ovary grew to about 14mm. We were both excited to see my positive results.

After my labs (blood test) and ultrasound, Jennifer and I discussed out next plan of action. She explained that my follicles were growing very slowly, but they were growing -- so that's good. She planned for me to come back on Monday, March 25th to see the progress of my follicle(s). She thought I would be at about 18mm by then. Just in case a follicle was at 20mm by then, she instructed me to bring my HcG shot (the trigger that releases the egg from the follicle once the egg is mature) so she could give me the shot. Once I'm given the HcG shot she would schedule me for my IUI (insemination). A plan was in motion and I was thrilled!

On Saturday, March 23rd I woke up to achy ovaries. Upon massaging my hips and lower belly I discovered a tiny bump by my left ovary.

This must be my growing follicle! How exciting!

To add to my excitement, today was my church's Women's Concert of Prayer. Dan's family even came down from Wisconsin to show their support. I was blessed to have my mother, mother-in-law, and both of my sisters-in-law present at the concert of prayer -- my sister and brother-in-law were praying remotely from Minnesota.

There were 15 women present at the concert of prayer. During this special event, we spent an hour and a half sharing our testimonies and praying aloud. It was a beautiful and emotional event. Good thing our event planner, Barb, thought to have multiple boxes of Kleenex available. They all came in handy. It was a prayer session that I will never forget.

Later that day my ovaries felt very achy. I brushed off the feeling and just assumed it was my follicles growing -- a feeling that I'm not familiar with.

On Sunday, March 24th I was curious to see if my body was on track, so I decided to take an at-home ovulation test. I bought a version that can predict 24-48 hours before ovulation actually takes place. I took the test and it came up positive! Just like Jennifer predicted!


Sunday, March 24, 2013
Positive At-Home Ovulation Test

I'll go in tomorrow and Jennifer will see my follicle is ready to release an egg! This is actually happening! For once my body is officially on track!

It was so refreshing to see a positive test result -- even if it wasn't a pregnancy test. I was so excited that I kept the test and left it on my bathroom counter. It may sound silly, but I loved looking at it! Those two pink lines gave me so much hope.

On Monday, March 25th I went in for my doctor's appointment. Once again, Dr. S was out of the office so it was just me and Jennifer. I informed Jennifer about my positive ovulation test and she was certainly happy for me.

We started with my ultrasound. She looked at my uterus (which looked amazing), then my right ovary (nothing exciting on that side), and lastly, my left ovary. I immediately got excited when I noticed that the follicle we had been tracking was noticeably bigger!

Oh yeah, we're definitely on track!

Jennifer was quiet as she carefully examined the follicle. I watched as the monitor showed a oddly deformed follicle.

What happened to my follicle? Did it go bad or something? Is that even possible? Why does it look smashed?

Jennifer finally admit that she was confused. While my follicle was only measuring about 16mm, the disfigured follicle hinted one of two possibilities: (1) my body was about to ovulate, early or (2) my body already ovulated, early.

After my ultrasound, Jennifer and another RN took my blood. For some strange reason, my blood was extra stubborn that day. They poked both arms before blood started flowing into the tube. After my blood was drawn, Jennifer and I started to discuss my game plan options.

Without having my current lab results (blood test), Jennifer couldn't confirm if I've ovulated or if I was about to. She was very torn! She didn't want to give me my HcG shot, just in case I had already ovulated -- it would be pointless and a waste of money if I've already ovulated on my own. Jennifer would get my lab results back by around noon, so she said she would call as soon as she knew what was going on inside my body.

"Now, I know you're on your way to work and this might be awkward," Jennifer spoke as she casually leaned against a nearby wall, "but do you know someone at work who might be able to give you your HcG shot?"

Now, for those of you who don't know, the shot goes in my upper butt cheek. It would take a very special friend to agree to such a task. Thankfully, I had at least two friends come to mind, so I assured Jennifer it could be done, if needed. If it came down to it, I could always give myself the shot -- women do it all the time.

Next, Jennifer took her time and carefully explained (in detail!) how to prepare my shot and where it should go. It was a lot of information, but I felt confident I could do everything she showed me.

Upon arriving at work, I asked my good friend (Debbie) if she would be okay with giving me my HcG shot. Thankfully, Debbie has given her son shots before, so she felt comfortable with the task at hand. I was relieved to have a volunteer for my awkward favor.

Noon rolled around and my phone didn't ring. 12:30... 1:00... about a quarter after one, Jennifer called me. I believe her first words were, "I don't know what happened..." or something to that nature.

My lab results were in and apparently my body ovulated (EARLY!) sometime over the weekend. Like I've said before, follicles usually grow to about 20mm before releasing a mature egg. My follicle only grew to about 16mm and released an egg. As a result, there was no point in giving myself the HcG shot or going in for an IUI (insemination). Our window of opportunity had unexpectedly passed.

Monday, March 25, 2013
16mm follicle that has already released an egg.

I sat at my office desk, quietly eating my lunch as Jennifer delivered this disappointing news. It's weird though... I wasn't upset. I was fine. Jennifer kept apologizing and consoling me saying, "I'm sorry, I know this hurts and I know that this is frustrating..." and I couldn't help but feel like I was too calm for such bad news. Sure I was caught off guard and disappointed, but I was calm. Not only was I calm, I felt like I was glowing with inner peace -- the kind of inner peace that can only come from my Heavenly Father. Behold, the power of prayer!

I assured Jennifer that I was fine and that I trusted her and Dr. S to come up with a plan that would result in a baby. I think she was more disappointed than I was. In that moment I felt confident -- an answer to prayer, for sure.

Rewind!

Remember when I mentioned my ovary pain? Well, when a woman prepares to ovulate/ovulates there can be pain and swelling of the ovaries. Hmm... so that would explain my symptoms on Saturday, March 23rd. Apparently my at-home ovulation test was telling me that I was ovulating, not about to. AH HA!

[Shakes fists] Grrrrrr........

This is quite the learning experience.

Okay. Moving on...

Jennifer had spoken to Dr. S and she said that for my next treatment Dr. S might want to change up my medication, but nothing had been decided. He'll review my case and decide how to proceed before our April 2nd meeting.

TREATMENT #1 INCOMPLETE
TREATMENT #2 INCOMPLETE
TREATMENT #3 PENDING

One of the reasons why I appreciate Dr. S is his aggressiveness. He knows and understands that before he got involved, this was already a long and painful journey for me and Dan. He's not about to waste any of our time or our money. He is obviously experienced and his ideas are producing results -- even if they don't work to the fullest. He's on to something! I continue to pray that God will give Dr. S wisdom. I trust that one day Dr. S will know exactly what needs to be done.

On Tuesday, April 2nd (today) I met with Dr. S to discuss our next game plan. I've been looking forward to this appointment because I've been so curious what my next treatment will be. Will he put me on new medications or will I take the same medications I took during my last treatment?

Well, I am happy to report that I had a wonderful chat with Dr. S! While my second treatment didn't exactly go according to his plan, we did achieve one very important part... I ovulated! Yes, that is a big plus in Dr. S's eyes -- and in mine as well. The only downside to my last treatment is that they missed my ovulation date and therefore couldn't do an IUI (insemination). So, for now, we're going to repeat the last treatment and they're going to watch me even closer. Because seeing me three days a week just isn't enough.

Dr. S said that there are a number of things to consider and here are some of them...

1. That 14mm follicle (3/22/13) may have actually been bigger. 15mm? 16mm?
2. Most follicles grow 1-2mm a day. My follicle could've had a sudden growth spurt and grew 3mm in one day.
3. If the follicle was bigger than they detected (15mm? 16mm?), it may have grown to 18mm before releasing the egg. It can be hard to tell since it no longer looked round.
4. If my body responded this well to my second treatment, it might respond even better the next time.

I'm sorry if all of this sounds confusing. I'm really much better at explaining the details in person. So if you're curious, feel free to ask the next time we speak. I'm sure you're aware by now that I'm not exactly shy when it comes to sharing the details of my infertility.

So that's it. We're giving Plan B a second chance. Shall I call this treatment "Plan B II" or "Plan B 2.0"? Don't mind me. I'm just trying to put a playful spin on my third treatment -- a repeat of my second treatment.

Throughout this rollercoaster of a journey, I keep reminding myself to stay positive and trust God.

TRUST GOD!
TRUST GOD!
TRUST GOD!

I seriously can't remind myself enough.

"...with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26b

Instead of saying, "If I'm blessed with a baby..." I say, "When I'm blessed with a baby...". Not if. When! There is a huge difference. There is no doubt in my mind, I will be a mother! Dan will be a father! When will that day come? I have no idea, but God does. This treatment may not have gone according to my doctor's plan but I am confident that this was all part of God's mysterious plan.

I am confident that one of these days I will look up at the ultrasound monitor and I will see my baby... one day I will go in to my doctor's office and listen to my baby's heartbeat... in the not-so-distant-future I will feel the pain of contractions and the joy of my baby's arrival. It will happen!

So... now what? We wait. Yes, more waiting. Right now we're waiting for my body to hit the "reset button". Now, we wait for Aunt Flow to make her return so we can begin the next treatment.

As always, thank you to everyone who continues to encourage me and lift me and my family up in prayer. This journey is far from over and we can use all the prayer support we can get. My prayer warriors keep me strong and I can't thank you enough.

As I wrap up this blog post, I would like to share the song "Strangely Dim" by Francesca Battistelli. I heard this song on the radio several times yesterday and I think it really applies to how I've been feeling these past couple of weeks. Trust me, you'll understand once you listen to the song. Click on "Strangley Dim" to watch the video via YouTube.

It's funny how the songs that impact me the most seem to play on "repeat" right when I need them.

Thank you, Heavenly Father. You know me so well.

Francesca Battistelli