Not if. When!

It's been a while since I've updated my blog and I feel like a lot has happened since my last post, so I'll try to remember as many details as possible so I can get everyone caught up.

I recently started having a difficult time adjusting to my medications. My appetite virtually went out the window. Sometimes I feel like I have morning sickness, but no baby -- so not fair! Often, I'll eat tiny meals -- incomplete meals, if you will -- only to feel full and sometimes sick. Foods that I once loved make me feel like I could vomit just thinking about them. One day I actually force fed myself a healthy oatmeal cookie! Yeah... the week before I was really enjoying them. Then, suddenly, I couldn't stand them. Sad.

When my appetite went down, so did my weight. The pounds were falling off and I could see and feel a difference. When I (rarely!) feel hungry I would take advantage and chow down. Then, I started craving soft foods like applesauce and Spaghetti O's. Just the thought of having to actually chew my food would make my stomach turn. Weird.

I told my doctor about my unpleasant side effects and he assured me that they were all normal. Actually, he also told me that many women experience even more uncomfortable side effects and I should consider myself lucky. I'll spare you the details of those side effects and assure you that I agree with Dr. S... I am lucky.

After my doctor/nurse/ultrasound technician discovered my two growing follicles I was excited. Finally, we were seeing some positive results! While he was happy and sending positive vibes my way, he looked like he was holding his applause, so to speak. My current treatment was still underway but I could see the wheels in his head start to turn.

I was confused.

How can this treatment not be working? We can see the follicles growing!


Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Two follicles on my left ovary are about 11mm each. One is visible, the other is next to it and less visible.

Friday, March 22nd arrived and I went to the doctor's to check on my growing follicles. Dr. S was out of the office, so my RN (Jennifer) did my ultrasound. During the ultrasound Jennifer discovered that one follicle on my left ovary grew to about 14mm. We were both excited to see my positive results.

After my labs (blood test) and ultrasound, Jennifer and I discussed out next plan of action. She explained that my follicles were growing very slowly, but they were growing -- so that's good. She planned for me to come back on Monday, March 25th to see the progress of my follicle(s). She thought I would be at about 18mm by then. Just in case a follicle was at 20mm by then, she instructed me to bring my HcG shot (the trigger that releases the egg from the follicle once the egg is mature) so she could give me the shot. Once I'm given the HcG shot she would schedule me for my IUI (insemination). A plan was in motion and I was thrilled!

On Saturday, March 23rd I woke up to achy ovaries. Upon massaging my hips and lower belly I discovered a tiny bump by my left ovary.

This must be my growing follicle! How exciting!

To add to my excitement, today was my church's Women's Concert of Prayer. Dan's family even came down from Wisconsin to show their support. I was blessed to have my mother, mother-in-law, and both of my sisters-in-law present at the concert of prayer -- my sister and brother-in-law were praying remotely from Minnesota.

There were 15 women present at the concert of prayer. During this special event, we spent an hour and a half sharing our testimonies and praying aloud. It was a beautiful and emotional event. Good thing our event planner, Barb, thought to have multiple boxes of Kleenex available. They all came in handy. It was a prayer session that I will never forget.

Later that day my ovaries felt very achy. I brushed off the feeling and just assumed it was my follicles growing -- a feeling that I'm not familiar with.

On Sunday, March 24th I was curious to see if my body was on track, so I decided to take an at-home ovulation test. I bought a version that can predict 24-48 hours before ovulation actually takes place. I took the test and it came up positive! Just like Jennifer predicted!


Sunday, March 24, 2013
Positive At-Home Ovulation Test

I'll go in tomorrow and Jennifer will see my follicle is ready to release an egg! This is actually happening! For once my body is officially on track!

It was so refreshing to see a positive test result -- even if it wasn't a pregnancy test. I was so excited that I kept the test and left it on my bathroom counter. It may sound silly, but I loved looking at it! Those two pink lines gave me so much hope.

On Monday, March 25th I went in for my doctor's appointment. Once again, Dr. S was out of the office so it was just me and Jennifer. I informed Jennifer about my positive ovulation test and she was certainly happy for me.

We started with my ultrasound. She looked at my uterus (which looked amazing), then my right ovary (nothing exciting on that side), and lastly, my left ovary. I immediately got excited when I noticed that the follicle we had been tracking was noticeably bigger!

Oh yeah, we're definitely on track!

Jennifer was quiet as she carefully examined the follicle. I watched as the monitor showed a oddly deformed follicle.

What happened to my follicle? Did it go bad or something? Is that even possible? Why does it look smashed?

Jennifer finally admit that she was confused. While my follicle was only measuring about 16mm, the disfigured follicle hinted one of two possibilities: (1) my body was about to ovulate, early or (2) my body already ovulated, early.

After my ultrasound, Jennifer and another RN took my blood. For some strange reason, my blood was extra stubborn that day. They poked both arms before blood started flowing into the tube. After my blood was drawn, Jennifer and I started to discuss my game plan options.

Without having my current lab results (blood test), Jennifer couldn't confirm if I've ovulated or if I was about to. She was very torn! She didn't want to give me my HcG shot, just in case I had already ovulated -- it would be pointless and a waste of money if I've already ovulated on my own. Jennifer would get my lab results back by around noon, so she said she would call as soon as she knew what was going on inside my body.

"Now, I know you're on your way to work and this might be awkward," Jennifer spoke as she casually leaned against a nearby wall, "but do you know someone at work who might be able to give you your HcG shot?"

Now, for those of you who don't know, the shot goes in my upper butt cheek. It would take a very special friend to agree to such a task. Thankfully, I had at least two friends come to mind, so I assured Jennifer it could be done, if needed. If it came down to it, I could always give myself the shot -- women do it all the time.

Next, Jennifer took her time and carefully explained (in detail!) how to prepare my shot and where it should go. It was a lot of information, but I felt confident I could do everything she showed me.

Upon arriving at work, I asked my good friend (Debbie) if she would be okay with giving me my HcG shot. Thankfully, Debbie has given her son shots before, so she felt comfortable with the task at hand. I was relieved to have a volunteer for my awkward favor.

Noon rolled around and my phone didn't ring. 12:30... 1:00... about a quarter after one, Jennifer called me. I believe her first words were, "I don't know what happened..." or something to that nature.

My lab results were in and apparently my body ovulated (EARLY!) sometime over the weekend. Like I've said before, follicles usually grow to about 20mm before releasing a mature egg. My follicle only grew to about 16mm and released an egg. As a result, there was no point in giving myself the HcG shot or going in for an IUI (insemination). Our window of opportunity had unexpectedly passed.

Monday, March 25, 2013
16mm follicle that has already released an egg.

I sat at my office desk, quietly eating my lunch as Jennifer delivered this disappointing news. It's weird though... I wasn't upset. I was fine. Jennifer kept apologizing and consoling me saying, "I'm sorry, I know this hurts and I know that this is frustrating..." and I couldn't help but feel like I was too calm for such bad news. Sure I was caught off guard and disappointed, but I was calm. Not only was I calm, I felt like I was glowing with inner peace -- the kind of inner peace that can only come from my Heavenly Father. Behold, the power of prayer!

I assured Jennifer that I was fine and that I trusted her and Dr. S to come up with a plan that would result in a baby. I think she was more disappointed than I was. In that moment I felt confident -- an answer to prayer, for sure.

Rewind!

Remember when I mentioned my ovary pain? Well, when a woman prepares to ovulate/ovulates there can be pain and swelling of the ovaries. Hmm... so that would explain my symptoms on Saturday, March 23rd. Apparently my at-home ovulation test was telling me that I was ovulating, not about to. AH HA!

[Shakes fists] Grrrrrr........

This is quite the learning experience.

Okay. Moving on...

Jennifer had spoken to Dr. S and she said that for my next treatment Dr. S might want to change up my medication, but nothing had been decided. He'll review my case and decide how to proceed before our April 2nd meeting.

TREATMENT #1 INCOMPLETE
TREATMENT #2 INCOMPLETE
TREATMENT #3 PENDING

One of the reasons why I appreciate Dr. S is his aggressiveness. He knows and understands that before he got involved, this was already a long and painful journey for me and Dan. He's not about to waste any of our time or our money. He is obviously experienced and his ideas are producing results -- even if they don't work to the fullest. He's on to something! I continue to pray that God will give Dr. S wisdom. I trust that one day Dr. S will know exactly what needs to be done.

On Tuesday, April 2nd (today) I met with Dr. S to discuss our next game plan. I've been looking forward to this appointment because I've been so curious what my next treatment will be. Will he put me on new medications or will I take the same medications I took during my last treatment?

Well, I am happy to report that I had a wonderful chat with Dr. S! While my second treatment didn't exactly go according to his plan, we did achieve one very important part... I ovulated! Yes, that is a big plus in Dr. S's eyes -- and in mine as well. The only downside to my last treatment is that they missed my ovulation date and therefore couldn't do an IUI (insemination). So, for now, we're going to repeat the last treatment and they're going to watch me even closer. Because seeing me three days a week just isn't enough.

Dr. S said that there are a number of things to consider and here are some of them...

1. That 14mm follicle (3/22/13) may have actually been bigger. 15mm? 16mm?
2. Most follicles grow 1-2mm a day. My follicle could've had a sudden growth spurt and grew 3mm in one day.
3. If the follicle was bigger than they detected (15mm? 16mm?), it may have grown to 18mm before releasing the egg. It can be hard to tell since it no longer looked round.
4. If my body responded this well to my second treatment, it might respond even better the next time.

I'm sorry if all of this sounds confusing. I'm really much better at explaining the details in person. So if you're curious, feel free to ask the next time we speak. I'm sure you're aware by now that I'm not exactly shy when it comes to sharing the details of my infertility.

So that's it. We're giving Plan B a second chance. Shall I call this treatment "Plan B II" or "Plan B 2.0"? Don't mind me. I'm just trying to put a playful spin on my third treatment -- a repeat of my second treatment.

Throughout this rollercoaster of a journey, I keep reminding myself to stay positive and trust God.

TRUST GOD!
TRUST GOD!
TRUST GOD!

I seriously can't remind myself enough.

"...with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26b

Instead of saying, "If I'm blessed with a baby..." I say, "When I'm blessed with a baby...". Not if. When! There is a huge difference. There is no doubt in my mind, I will be a mother! Dan will be a father! When will that day come? I have no idea, but God does. This treatment may not have gone according to my doctor's plan but I am confident that this was all part of God's mysterious plan.

I am confident that one of these days I will look up at the ultrasound monitor and I will see my baby... one day I will go in to my doctor's office and listen to my baby's heartbeat... in the not-so-distant-future I will feel the pain of contractions and the joy of my baby's arrival. It will happen!

So... now what? We wait. Yes, more waiting. Right now we're waiting for my body to hit the "reset button". Now, we wait for Aunt Flow to make her return so we can begin the next treatment.

As always, thank you to everyone who continues to encourage me and lift me and my family up in prayer. This journey is far from over and we can use all the prayer support we can get. My prayer warriors keep me strong and I can't thank you enough.

As I wrap up this blog post, I would like to share the song "Strangely Dim" by Francesca Battistelli. I heard this song on the radio several times yesterday and I think it really applies to how I've been feeling these past couple of weeks. Trust me, you'll understand once you listen to the song. Click on "Strangley Dim" to watch the video via YouTube.

It's funny how the songs that impact me the most seem to play on "repeat" right when I need them.

Thank you, Heavenly Father. You know me so well.

Francesca Battistelli