Not having control of a situation can be incredibly frustrating. Congested traffic, the weather, and unforeseen health issues can cause so much stress in this life. I don't know about you, but I can certainly be a control freak! I want things to go according to my plan. I know what's best for my life, right? Eh...
First of all, I know that I am blessed. I have a loving and supportive family, a beautiful house, a healthy marriage, and a steady income. God doesn't owe me anything. Instead, I owe Him everything! Yet, He continues to bless me.
So why do I get frustrated with God and give Him grief every time things don't go according to my plan? It's so easy to focus on the pain when it's right in front of you. When we're hit with something unexpected all we can focus on is how we feel in that moment. Suddenly, we've lost sight of the big picture. That's where God comes in. He sees the big picture, we don't.
When Jessie was in her accident on Sunday, January 23, 2000, and I wasn't there to take care of her, I felt like I failed as a best friend. When she passed away a week later on Sunday, January 30th and she never even knew that I had gone to visit her (virtually every day), I felt like I had failed her once more.
I was mad at Jessie the last time we spoke. We were at youth group and she had brought some school friends to our weekly meeting at Parker Road. After our evening of games and a devotional lead by our youth leader, Harold, Jessie invited some friends to go snowmobiling at her house. I was not invited.
How dare she not invite me? I'm her best friend!
Jealousy burned inside of me and I wanted Jessie to know. So when it was time to say good bye, I ignored her.
A group of us were standing in the main entrance of the church building. My arms were crossed as I fought back tears of frustration. Seriously, how could she not invite me?
Jessie approached me and placed her hands on my shoulders.
"Hey," she called out. I looked at her. "I'll call you tomorrow."
I looked away. "Whatever," I snapped back with a bitter attitude as I rolled my eyes.
We stood there in silence. I didn't know what else to say to her. I was so disappointed.
"Hey," she called out once more. I looked at her. "I love you." And with those words she pulled me in for a hug and I hugged her back.
"I love you too."
Ugh! Why did she have to say that? How I can I stay mad at her? I just really hate that she didn't invite me.
Our hug ended and I went to my car. My sister (Kathleen) and our friend (Dan M.) followed. We sat in the car and I watched Jessie drive past me in her family's green van. Her hands lifting up and down in a "raise the roof" motion. A fire lit inside me and my anger had returned. I thrust the car into drive and peeled out of the parking lot, blasting the radio in frustration.
Before we even got to Dan's house I had calmed down and turned down the radio. Then, by the time Kathleen and I got home, I was over it.
Fine, Jessie can call me tomorrow. We don't have school so maybe we can do something. That's probably why she said she'd call.
Kathleen and I were downstairs on the sofa bed watching Now and Then when the phone rang. I checked the Caller ID and noticed that it was a woman from our church, Carla. Whenever she called it was for my mom -- my mom followed Carla on our church's prayer chain phone tree.
Kathleen answered. "Mom!" she called out. "It's for you!"
My mother picked up a phone in another room and Kathleen stayed on the line for a moment, listening to their conversation. As Kathleen quietly hung up the phone she looked at me with a little concern. "It's about a Troyer," she whispered.
Oddly, I thought nothing of it and we returned to our movie.
Minutes later, the phone rang again. It was Carla. It's really late for prayer chain to be calling. Yet, I still thought nothing of it.
My mom jotted down her notes from Carla and she hung up the phone. I happen to walk by.
"Karolyn," she called out and I walked over to my mom. "Do you know anything about some kids going snowmobiling tonight?"
"Jessie was going with some friends after youth group," I calmly replied.
"Well," she started as she looked at me with some concern, "there has been an accident."
My heart stopped.
"Jessie and Vince hit a tree," she carefully explained. I gasped in horror. "Vince is okay, he just spoke with his mom, but Jessie is unconscious. She's on her way to the hospital right now."
I was upset and terrified! I paged my friend Bob (three times), who I knew was with Jessie, but he never called me back. My stomach got all twisted.
Later that evening, our phone rang for the third time. It was Carla. My mom was in the shower, so my dad took the call. I starred at him while he nodded his head and said the occasional "Okay" as he took in Carla's news.
He hung up the phone and didn't look at me.
"Dad, what's wrong?" I quietly begged.
Silence.
"Dad!" I called out louder. "What's wrong?"
The bathroom door opened and my dad flew up the stairs to meet with my mom. They stood in their bedroom and I watched from the hallway. My dad spoke quietly with his back to me, so I couldn't hear a word he was saying. Suddenly, my mom's eyes widened and she looked me. I started to cry.
"Can somebody please tell me what's going on?"
My mom walked over to me and sat me on her bed. She put her arm around me and pulled me close.
"Karolyn," she spoke as calmly as she could, "Jessie isn't doing very well. She's not responding to the doctors."
"What do you mean she isn't responding?!" I sobbed uncontrollably.
What happened? How could Jessie be hurt this badly? God won't take her away. He wouldn't. He knows better than that. She's only 17. She'll be fine.
My dad called back Carla and checked to see where Jessie was. With zero hesitation, the four of us piled into our mini van and made our way to the hospital.
Upon arrival we were stopped by a security guard.
"We're here to see Jessica Troyer," my mom announced as my sister and I stood behind her and my dad.
The guard looked at us and said that he couldn't let us through.
My mom grabbed me by my coat and shoved me in front of the guard. "This is her best friend! Please, let us through!"
The guard looked at me and I starred right back at him with my puffy, blood-shot eyes. He made a phone call. We waited.
"You can go through," he finally announced.
Relieved, we said our thank yous and continued until we found Jessie's family and some friends gathered in and around the hospital chapel.
We all sat there, completely helpless. There was nothing any of us could do.
The hour was well past midnight and Jessie had become stable. Folks started to head home to rest and eventually I went home with my family as well.
The week that followed was filled with endless distractions, plenty of scary moments, and the most helpless feeling I have ever experienced.
On Saturday, January 29th Jessie had a "bad" night. On Sunday, January 30th our church service was abruptly canceled so our pastor, his wife, and two other men from our church could go and be with the Troyer family -- my father made arrangements so I could join them.
At the hospital, Jessie was scheduled to have some tests done to see if there was any brain activity. I stood in the hallway anxiously waiting for more information.
My family arrived.
I stood in the hallway, just outside the ICU waiting room, when Jessie emerged from the ICU and rolled past me with her doctors.
"Was that her?" my mom asked.
"Yes," I quietly replied.
"Go and stand with her," she lovingly suggested.
I followed closely behind Jessie, not saying a word. I stood with her and the doctors as they waited for the elevator. A nurse looked at me and gave me a sad smile.
The elevator arrived and Jessie was rolled inside. I stood there and kept my eyes on her until the doors closed and the elevator moved.
When Jessie returned, I watched her roll by the ICU waiting room. Then (I swear!) she looked at me! Tears filled my eyes and I chased after her. I stopped just outside the ICU and watched as she rolled away.
Jessie, please don't leave me.
We were supposed to get results in a couple of hours, so I gave my parents permission to go home and work on dinner for the Troyer family. The results were in shortly after they left.
Jessie's parents were taken into a small waiting room and were in there for about 45 minutes. A man left the room and returned with a brief case. My heart sank.
When Melanie and Floyd entered the ICU waiting room, everyone who wasn't there for Jessie left. Melanie was looking up and the ceiling the whole time. My eyes were fixed on her. Then, she lowered her head and looked right at me. We made eye contact and she immediately looked away. My stomach felt sick as my heart began to pound.
She can't even look at me. This can't be good.
Melanie struggled to speak. "The results are in." She began to sob. "And they're not what we had hoped for..."
Jessie was showing no signs of brain activity. Our Jessie was gone.
Shortly after Jessie's immediate family took their time to visit with her, Melanie came and asked if I would like to see Jessie.
I nodded.
"Would you like anyone to come with you?" she asked in a gentle tone.
"I'd like to go alone," I quietly replied.
Melanie led me back to Jessie's room in the ICU. I walked through the door and there she was, my beautiful best friend of over ten years! Jessie had tubes and monitors in and all around her. She laid there, completely helpless, but her beauty remained.
I walked up to Jessie's left side and ran my finger tips up and down her forearm. In that moment, I didn't know what else to do.
Melanie came up behind me and grabbed my shoulders. "She really can't feel anything right now, so I like to just grab her arm and give it a good squeeze." Melanie demonstrated as she spoke and then looked at me and smiled. I smiled back and Melanie stepped away.
I took a hold of Jessie's arm and it was warm. I leaned in and spoke to Jessie. I brought up old memories and future plans that would never happen. I promised to keep her secrets and to always cherish our friendship. Tears filled my eyes as I begged her to watch over me! Last, I leaned close to her ear and whispered these words...
So many memories and so many miles
the road that stretches behind us
We've had some laughter and our share of tears
But all these moments unite us
I'll be your friend for a lifetime
Against the wind and the rain of every season
Won't walk away in the hard times
I will be your friend
I'm saying I will be your friend
("I Will be Your Friend" by Michael W. Smith)
Then, my eyes met with hers. Her eyes were partially open and wet from some recent eye drops. I felt like I hit a wall running at a 100 miles per hour. She was gone and in that moment I lost all hope.
The days and weeks that followed Jessie's death left me feeling angry and hollow. There's a piece of me that is missing and I prayed that God would just take me too. How could I go on living without my best friend?
I should've just asked her if I can go snowmobiling, instead of waiting for a personal invite -- she would've let me. To this day, I still struggle with my last moments with Jessie.
Why did I have to be mad at her?
Melanie and my friends who were there that night remind me, "God didn't want you there." I have no memory of what Jessie looked like just after her accident. By the grace of God, I was spared. Scripture says God only gives us what we can handle. I guess I wouldn't have been able to handle the aftermath of Jessie's accident.
Today, it has been 13 years since Jessie has gone home to be with the Lord and her anniversary still hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't feel 13 years older. Has it really been that long? The sights, the sounds, and the emotions of that dreadful day stay with me like a painful scar. On most days I'm fine, but sometimes the wound feels fresh and I break down as if it all happened yesterday.
I miss her laugh! I miss her smile! I miss the way she would call me about every little thing -- and I miss how she would immediately dive into conversation as soon as she heard my voice pick up on the other line. I miss the way we could read each other's mind. I miss our impromptu dance parties and late-night sleepovers. I miss hearing the bass of her family's van thumping as it pulled onto my street -- "Jessie's here!". I miss singing with her in the car. I miss baking our own, personal creations. I miss exchanging notes even though we didn't go to the same school. I miss pulling pranks with her at youth group. But most of all, I miss hearing her say my name and telling me that she loves me, her best friend.
13 years later and my life has had so many significant moments. I've graduated from high school and college, gotten married, bought a house, and started a career. I am blessed to have a family that still lets me share the same Jessie stories over and over and over, I have a husband who asks me, "How would Jessie take care of you?" when he's not sure what to do, and I have the opportunity to help raise funds for the Something from Jessie Memorial Scholarship. I am blessed!
I know I'll see Jessie again. I have hope in God's promises. Hope seems to be the theme for this month. Within the last two weeks I've had these two verses keep popping up all around me...
"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Romans 15:13
Faith and hope are not always easy, but with prayer you'll get stronger. God wants to carry us through our darkest times. In my life He has done just that and He continues to carry me as I face a new set of trials.
He sees the big picture, we don't. He knows what's best, we don't. Haven't you ever had an idea but someone came to you with a better idea? Trust God. He has a better idea because He sees the big picture and He wants to guide you.
