Life is precious. Life is a gift. We say those words often, but how often do we live like we believe it? Why must a sudden tragedy always remind us to hug our loved ones and express our love? I say, don't wait for those reminders. Do it just because you can.
Sometimes I get teased for putting so much effort into birthdays and other celebrations. The truth is, I love to celebrate! I love an excuse to buy a gift, plan a party, go out for a nice dinner and make my family and friends feel special. Life is worth celebrating now. Right now!
In my eyes, virtually every achievement is worth celebrating. How you decide to celebrate is up to you. While some celebrations can be as simple as a trip to your favorite ice cream shop and others can be as extravagant as a ritzy vacation. Whatever your reason is to celebrate (and whatever your budget may be), just do something special to seize the moment and enjoy life. Because, let's face it, tragedy is all around us. Destruction, divorce, disease, and death... we've all experienced life's disappointments one way or another. So, why not raise the bar and live life's grand moments with a little extra flair and excitement? Let's make happy memories and celebrate life the best way possible.
Take a moment and think about which life achievements you've celebrated with loved ones. Surely you'll think of birthdays, weddings, graduations, babies, new jobs, and promotions. Why stop there? Life isn't easy and everyone has different goals and achievements. I say we celebrate new cars, new homes, new pets, good health, good report cards, no homework, a completed home/school project, the end of a hard school/work week... my point is, simply come up with reasons to just live in the moment more frequently.
I'll say it again. Life is precious. Life is a gift. Maybe those words struck you differently this time. Maybe you thought of a reason to celebrate today. I hope you did.
Here's a song that always makes me smile and reminds me that life is filled with precious memories. I hope it encourages you to celebrate all of life's sentimental moments -- both big and small.
You see it in sitcoms, cartoons, and comic strips on a regular basis -- moms and dads daydreaming about the day their children turn 18 so they can cut them off and throw them into the real world. In my eyes, 18 is hardly an adult, but I guess you have to draw the line somewhere. Still, that is no excuse to give your children the boot and send them on their way. That is, unless you have children who spend their adult years like Alan from the Hangover trilogy. See the example below...
Anyway, the point I am getting to is this... I see no reason to turn my kids loose just because they turn into adults. No matter what happens, Ava will always be my daughter -- and this goes for any future child/children I am blessed with. I will never stop being my child's mom and it is my life's goal to always be a part my child's life.
This summer, as with tradition, Dan, Ava, and I will venture to Tennessee to spend a week-long vacation in a gorgeous three-bedroom, private cabin in the Smoky Mountains with my parents as well as my sister (Kathleen) and brother-in-law (Brad). During this week-long vacation we'll hit our favorite spots, go on hikes, try new restaurants, relax at the cabin, go swimming, and, most likely, go on new adventures -- last year Dan and Brad went bungee jumping. It'll be a week of quality family time and that in itself is my favorite part.
While Dan and I have plans for taking our little family on vacations of our own, I am grateful that we can travel with our extended families as well. There is just something about being on vacation that makes us different people. Maybe it's because we're not a home... maybe it's because we're away from work... maybe it's because we have no real obligations. All I know is, when I'm on vacation my mind is clear and I don't worry like I do when I'm at home. Personally, I think I'm more fun on vacation. I'm willing to try new foods, see new sights, and experience new things.
While on vacation, people are more likely to splurge on souvenirs and adventures. I'm not saying we become someone that we're not when we go on vacation, I'm saying that we show a different side of ourselves. Take my dad for example. One winter, my parents, Dan, Kathleen, Brad, and I spent a weekend in the Dells. Letting the "kids" take the lead, my dad joined us on a wide variety of water rides -- many of them he had no idea what to expect. After coming down a single tube slide, my dad reached the bottom and, in a slight panic, he started thrashing around, attempting to "swim" to shore. Kathleen and I rushed to his side and, as we helped him up, we called out, "Just stand up!" When he realized where he was, we all laughed when he admit, "Oh gee, I thought I was in a deep pool." To this day, we cannot tell that story without cracking up.
In April 2014, Dan's sister (Stefanie) came with us to California. During this trip, Stefanie and Ava both got to experience Disneyland for the very first time. Sure, Ava won't remember her experience, but for Aunt Stefanie it was a wonderful way to bond and share something extra special with her niece.
While visiting extended family in the U.P. (Michigan), Dan, Ava, and I shared a cabin with Dan's parents and Stefanie. One night, after Ava went to bed, Dan and I enjoyed some wine, cheese, and crackers with his parents and Stefanie. That night we stayed up late and had one of the best conversations we ever shared -- I can't even begin to describe the amount of love that poured out as we spoke. I believe that it's moments like these that keep families close.
As a child, vacations for my sister and I were an opportunity to stay up past our bedtime, watch TV in bed, eat dessert more frequently (or even as a meal), and do things we wouldn't get to do at home. Vacations are an opportunity to say you did something extra special with the ones you're closest with. Vacations are an excuse to take more photos and more home videos. Vacations are an excuse to bond with loved ones in a whole new way.
I want my children to grow up seeing their extended family in ways that Dan and I have seen them -- spontaneous, adventurous, and even extra silly. Ava is blessed to have grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who absolutely love and adore her. I want her to have special memories with me and Dan, but I want her to have special memories with the extended family as well. In return, I'm hoping that someday Ava will want me and Dan to be part of her family circle. Just like I don't want to cut off Ava, I'm praying that she won't cut me off as well -- the street goes both ways.
Vacations don't have to be far away, expensive, or long to be enjoyable. I've stayed overnight in a hotel, relatively close to home, just to "get away" for a night with family. Still, no matter how I vacation, I'm always going spend that precious time with the ones I love.
Once the sparkle of a new year hits the ground and we stare into our cold future, that is January, a dark shadow begins to follow me. Once again I have started a new year without my best friend, Jessie.
15 years ago death separated the inseparable and I received one of my deepest emotional scars. It's been so long, that when I think back on precious memories Jessie and I shared, I often find myself in denial that Jessie and I were ever close. Wow. Not close? Good grief. Anyone who knew us, knew that we were practically attached at the hip! Phone calls, sleepovers, trips to the mall, rollerblading, pool parties, youth group, mission trips, road trips, movies, baking, singing, dancing... there's a lot two girls can do in 10+ years of friendship. 15 years is a long time to be separated and time has made our relationship feel distant and faded.
Jessie and I were like DJ and Kimmy from Full House, Corey and Shawn from Boy Meets World, Meredith and Christina from Grey's Anatomy... and to use a Grey's Anatomy quote, Jessie was my person. She was the first person I called when I had something (or nothing) to talk about. We were so comfortable in each other's homes that, given the opportunity, we'd answer each other's home phones -- yes, I'm talking land lines. When she called and I picked up the phone, she'd dive right into conversation because she recognized my voice -- and vice versa. We'd mail each other post cards and buy each other souvenirs when we went on vacation, we'd work every angle to get a last-minute sleepover, we'd attend each other's family parties, and we'd make special arrangements to call each other Collect when on vacation. Yeah, I know... we spent a lot of time on the phone.
Now, before you read any further, take a moment and watch this home video featuring me and Jessie.
We were both 15 years old when we made that video. Yep... that is what 15 years looks like.
15 years and I still miss her. Truth be told, I'm sure I'll never stop missing her. I'm sure there are many people out there who will think I just need to "get over it" and "move on," but I'd challenge each and every one of those people to take their best friend and imagine their future without him/her. Better yet, think about your best friend and imagine what your life would be like if he/she hasn't been a part of it for the last 15 years. Hurts, doesn't it? Life would be different and surely you'd feel like part of you was missing.
Every January I close my eyes and I can feel the cold air brush against my face as I departed from our most recent youth group meeting -- the last time I would see Jessie awake. I listen to songs that we used to sing together and I can still hear her voice singing along. I look at photos of her and when I gaze upon her bright smile I can hear her laugh.
I often wonder how different my life would be if Jessie was still with us. So much has happened and I can't help but feel annoyed that she's not here to share such special moments with me. I share the same Jessie stories over and over because I don't have any new ones. Every time I mention Jessie, I have to mention her in a past tense. Easily said... it sucks.
Every time January rolls around, I start replaying her accident, her time in the hospital, and her death over and over and over in my mind. I can still picture the hospital, the waiting room, and the moment Melanie couldn't look at me when she came to share the news of Jessie's latest brain scans. My mind begins to rapidly spiral out of control and before I know it, I'm drowning is a sea of what ifs.
Once my heart and mind are silent, God speaks. He reminds me of the kids who have gone to Phantom Ranch Bible Camp through our Something from Jessie scholarship. I picture chapel services during urban camp and the campers who fill the room to praise and worship God. They come to camp with bullet wounds and pregnant. They have parents who are drug dealers or are in jail for dealing drugs. They hear guns shots more often than an ice cream truck in their neighborhood. They don't always get three meals a day -- or even a single meal every day. Many are broken... many are scared... and many don't feel loved.
I am a selfish girl.
Every January I get caught up in missing my best friend and often I get sad/angry when I think about all that she has missed. Then, when I gather with Jessie's loved ones, we exchange Jessie stories and talk about the Something from Jessie scholarship. Since August 2001, we have been raising funds in Jessie's memory to send inner-city Chicago youth to Phantom Ranch Bible Camp -- the same camp Jessie and I attended as campers and worked as summer staff. While we can't help but miss Jessie, we also find joy in knowing that God has used her death to help others in need. A week of camp gives these inner-city kids three meals a day, a bed to sleep on (in a safe environment), an opportunity to try new things (skiing, horseback riding, etc.), and above all else, the chance to feel loved and accepted.
I cannot change the past, but I can move forward with peace in my heart knowing two important things (1) through accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, I will see Jessie again, in heaven and (2) God can take any situation and use it for good, if you let Him. I may be broken, scarred, and imperfect, but God uses me.
Here is a song by Mandisa -- love her! We all have scars, but listen to this song and discover what your scars are for. It'll change the way you look at your scars, I promise.
Dan and I have been proud parents of our sweet daughter, Ava, for just over one year. Wow, let me tell you, what a year it has been! It's been a year filled with both easy and difficult days, but each and every day has been a blessing.
Recently, I've been reflecting on mine and Dan's relationship. We've been together for 10+ years and I've realized that our milestone moments are nicely spaced out. Here's a timeline...
October 17, 2004 - Dating
December 13, 2008 - Engaged
June 26, 2009 - Married
October 13, 2011 - First House
November 1, 2012 - Adopted a Dog
December 17, 2013 - Ava is Born
Life with Ava is unlike anything I've ever experienced and, looking back, I've come to appreciate the time Dan and I took to savor life's milestones. Some milestones happened slower than expected, while others happened faster. No matter what, it is evident that God has had His hand in our relationship, and for that I am ever-so-grateful. Life is short, so we shouldn't waste it, but we also shouldn't rush it either.
Ava is a precious little girl. She has a bright and happy personality, she's (very!) active, and she enjoys making new friends. Ava also isn't afraid to tell you how she feels. While she'll offer you a smile, high five, hug, or even a kiss, she's fully capable of having a total meltdown because she isn't getting her way. Yes, Ava can be a bit of a drama queen. She'll throw her head back and whine or even fall to the ground and bury her face in her hands as she sobs crocodile-size tears. A simple "no" from Mommy or Daddy can appear to be the end of the world in Ava's eyes. Sorry, honey, but Mommy and Daddy don't want you playing with scissors/touching a hot pan/picking at gum you found on the ground.
Still, whether Ava is giving me kisses or crying angry tears, I love her. I love her in a way that I have never loved before. This eye-opening perspective has brought me closer to my Heavenly Father. Surely I can never love the way He loves me (and you!), but I have a new understanding of why He continues to be there for me. While there is no doubt in my mind, I disappoint Him on a daily basis, He sees beyond my mistakes and sinful nature to see where my heart is. Ava may be little, but I can see that she has a good heart. I may have to correct her and discipline her when she is naughty, but that doesn't change the fact or the way that I love her. I have high hopes for her, just like my parents and my Heavenly Father have for me.
Now, many of you have asked about mine and Dan's infertility status, so I'll address this in my blog so we're all on the same page.
When Ava was about six months old, Aunt Flo returned (even though I was still nursing). In fact, she was a pretty regular visitor and it got me hopeful. Then, for no apparent reason, she hasn't returned in a couple of months. Grrrrrrrrreat.
Once I became pregnant with Ava, I asked Dr. S what has to happen in order for me to return to his office in need of medical assistance. Apparently once you've achieved infertility status, it is forever part of your life. What does that mean? It's means, whenever we feel like attempts at Baby #2 aren't working out, I can schedule an appointment. As much as I enjoy my appointments with Dr. S, Jennifer, and the rest of the medical staff, I really don't want to walk that journey again.
So here I am, once more, asking my prayer warriors to lift me up to our Heavenly Father. It's never too early to start praying. In fact, this has been my prayer ever since Ava was born. Please pray for me and my infertility struggles. Pray that my body will properly sync up so Baby #2 is a miracle in a whole new way!
To this day, I am still being contacted by friends, friends of friends, and strangers (soon-to-be friends), asking about my infertility journey because they're walking a similar path. I am always ready to hear your story and I'd certainly love the honor of praying for you. You're not alone and there are many who understand what you're going through. If you need someone to reach out to, it can certainly be me.
I am so grateful I get to be Ava's mommy. The first year has been filled with happy memories, exhausting days, exciting moments, and everything in between. I am also grateful for all our family and friends who have been so supportive of our journey. It was a blessing to spend Ava's first birthday party with many of you who have been there for us.
Below is a special video that was made from Ava's birthday party. Enjoy!
