Growing Follicles (?!)

I'm not sure where to begin. I'm not sure if I have good news or bad news. Hmm... I have pending news, I guess.

On Monday, March 18th I had a regular doctor's appointment to see if my medications are working during this treatment. Upon my early-morning arrival, I did my usual routine of blood work followed by an ultrasound. I've seen my ultrasound enough to know exactly what I'm looking at. The ultrasound technician starts with my uterus. My lining has gone down (in size) but will go back up once I start taking estradiol again -- which I started that same day. Next, she moved over to my right ovary. I saw nothing and apparently she didn't either.

"Nothing on this side," she quietly announced as she marked the screen with various labels.

Last, she moved over to my left ovary. That was when something caught my eye.

Could those be growing follicles?!

I carefully watched the monitor as she slowed down and got a good shot at the same sight my eyes were fixed on. I held my breath. There they were! TWO follicles that looked bigger than the rest!

"It looks like we've got something growing on this side," she proudly announced.

I held back tears of joy as I felt a sudden rush of hope consume my body.

These two follicles appeared to be about 10mm. Now, 12mm is usually a good number to take to the bank. When follicles get to about 12mm they typically keep growing. Ultimately, we want to see them grow to 20mm.

The ultrasound technician was obviously pleased with what she saw but she did her best to keep me grounded -- and I appreciate that. She wanted me to understand that 10mm isn't enough to really say the treatment is officially working, but it's a step in the right direction.

"All I need is a little hope once in awhile," I replied with a smile.

I scheduled a follow-up appointment for Wednesday and left the doctor's office feeling positive and upbeat. Finally! We had a glimpse of good news. It was small, but it felt so good!

Wednesday (today) came rather quick and I was actually looking forward to my usual doctor's appointment. I walked in anticipating more good news.

Maybe they're at 12 or even 13mm by now?!

Well, after my appointment, I'm not sure what kind of news I have. My follicles are holding at 10/11mm, so it's really hard to tell if they're actually growing. He did find one on my right ovary (that wasn't detected on Monday) that seems to be growing, but again, it's hard to tell. We need a solid 12mm follicle to seriously consider moving forward with this current treatment. I'm a little discouraged by this news, but I'm holding onto my faith -- anything can happen! I just can't help but feel like my wave of good news what short lived.

I have to go back on Friday (3/22) to see if there is any growth. If things look the same as today I think we'll, once again, scratch this treatment and start over. Ugh! I hate the idea of having to start over, but I'd rather start over at this point than go through a whole treatment and have it not work. God knows my heart.

On a plus note, I haven't experienced too much discomfort or abnormalities while taking my various medications. The most common side effects are feeling full/bloated/pukey (even though I haven't eaten much), dizziness, and headaches. I had one moment this last Monday when (very suddenly!) I felt rage/anger for no reason what-so-ever. I was able to coach myself back to reality and calm myself down, but it was a scary feeling. I consider myself lucky since the side effects seem to be minimal.

If this treatment doesn't work it sounds like my doctor will, very likely, change up my medications. I still can't help but feel like we're on to something!

Now, for all my prayer warriors, here are some updated praises and prayer requests...

1. Praise! My work schedule is staying calm and under control. Lately, I've been able to enjoy evenings relaxing at home or out with friends. It is a rare and wonderful feeling! Please continue to pray that my work schedule stays manageable.

2. Please pray that my follicles continue to grow! Growing follicles are what we need to see in order to move forward in a treatment.

3. Praise! A lot of people gain weight when they're on prednisone and I haven't gained any weight! Actually, I'm still losing weight -- since I've cut out a lot of carbs, sugar, and junk. Please pray that I continue to make wise meal choices and maintain a healthy lifestyle.

4. This journey is an emotional rollercoaster. Please pray that I can keep a tight grip on my hope and faith. On my darkest days I need God's light to shine bigger and brighter so I can remember he is always there and he has a plan for me.

5. Satan is very sly. He wants nothing good for me or my family. Please pray that Satan or his demons do not interfere with any of my treatments. He knows I'm vulnerable and I don't want him dragging me down.

6. I've said it before and I'll say it again, God knows my body best! Please pray that God gives Dr. S and his team wisdom as they treat my body.

This Saturday, my church is hosting a special prayer event for women entitled Women's Concert of Prayer: Motherhood. From 10:30 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. we'll gather at Parker Road Bible Church to pray for all aspects of motherhood. No matter where you are, would you consider praying for me during that hour and a half? Set aside some time so find a quiet place and pray. You can pray with your own group or by yourself. Prayer is very powerful! Let's move some mountains!

Mothers, expecting mothers, or planning-to-be mothers, if you have any prayer requests that you would like me to lift up in prayer during this special event, feel free to share them in the comment section below. Or, if you know me personally, feel free to send me an email or private message. I would love to pray for you as well!

As always, in all circumstances, let us all cry out in worship "Blessed be the Name of the Lord!".

When "Mommy Magic" Isn't Enough

My mom (Christine) and I when I was a year old.

Special Guest Blogger: Christine Koval

Have you ever tuned in to your favorite TV show only to find it has been preempted by some goofy awards program or delayed by a sporting event that went in to overtime? How annoying! Well, faithful readers, you have been victimized by a similar switcheroo. In my defense, I did not barge in unasked. I was invited to be a "guest blogger." Just to warn you, I have never blogged a day in my life. I further admit that I felt extremely intimidated by the proposal. And yet, here I am. What parents won't do for their children...

Any parent reading this knows very well that whatever your child is going through, you are going through it as well. You take pride in their achievements, share the joy in times of happiness, and feel the pain when they are hurting. While you gladly remain on the sidelines cheering for them when things are going well, you would give anything to be able to spare them from any suffering, wishing you could take it upon yourself.

But I have been down a really rough road before with Karolyn and I've learned that a mother's power to heal her child with a hug and a kiss just doesn't extend to every circumstance. While "mommy magic" has its limits, God's power knows no boundaries. As much as I wanted to lift the grief from her shoulders and do the grieving for her, Karolyn succeeded in working her way through it. She emerged on the other side not merely having survived. She became a stronger person for it. It's part of who she is today and that is, among many other wonderful things, a woman of great spiritual maturity possessing remarkable faith.

But even strong people can falter and stumble under the weight of accumulating disappointments. Even people of remarkable faith can waver and have doubts as their sincere and heartfelt prayers seem to go unheard. And so, even as I have prayerfully supported Karolyn's and Dan's quest for parenthood, I have felt a rather intense conviction to add a slight twist in focus to my prayers that goes beyond "give them a baby...give them a baby...give them a baby...".

I pray that Karolyn and Dan will remain strong in their faith and relentless in their encouragement of one another. It's hard when you feel like you keep getting knocked down to persist in getting back up. But I ask God to help them feel they are not really getting knocked down. They are really taking another step forward toward a clearer understanding of God's will and his plan for them. Karolyn and Dan are both familiar with Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I don't want this verse to be some tired cliche to them. I want this verse to be something that makes them feel excited about what God has in store for them regardless of what the present looks like.

While I am on the subject of God's plan for Karolyn and Dan, I would like to reference another verse that has long been a favorite of mine. Ephesians 3:20 "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." "...immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine..."!! Our vision is so limited. We think so small. God thinks so big! "...immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine...". I pray that Karolyn and Dan experience confident excitement in the knowledge of God's power to do more than they can even think to dream of or hope for.

I pray that Karolyn and Dan will hold tightly to their trust in God. The Bible certainly has an abundance of inspiring verses regarding trusting in God. It might sometimes seem like you can hardly read a page in the Bible without coming across the word "trust." It is important to God that we trust in him. Clearly! Not long ago, I happened to read Psalm 62:8. "Trust in him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to him for God is our refuge." It was the "...at all times..." that particularly caught my attention. What I want for Karolyn and Dan is for their trust in God to be so strong and certain that they never have to search for it; that it is just a part of who they are.

They have very openly poured out their hearts. Now they wait and trust. I pray that as they wait and trust they grow stronger.

All too often we forget that Satan is real and that he hates us and wants nothing good for us. He is so sly and so ingenious in his lying. He can make his whispers sound as if he is on our side. Nothing could be more untrue.

I pray that Satan's lies do not rob Karolyn and Dan of life's everyday joys. I pray that his lies fail to stir up anger or resentment that could ruin what should be moments of happiness. I pray that Satan's lies do not steal beautiful memories from Karolyn and Dan with his twisted distortions of things that have already come to pass. Satan can be so relentless in his attacks and so must I be relentless in my prayers.

These are some of the things I pray for Karolyn and Dan. This is not an all-inclusive comprehensive compilation of all that I pray for them as they travel this sometimes bumpy baby quest path. I didn't want to get too wordy and wear out my welcome!

I truly do hope that one day I will be thanking God for the beautiful baby that Karolyn and Dan brought into the world. For now, like Karolyn, Dan, and so many others, I pray and I wait and I trust. Every day I try to remember that God is good --- all the time. I know that Karolyn and Dan know this truth.

And every day I want my heart and theirs to sing, "Blessed by the name of the Lord."

Women's Concert of Prayer: Motherhood

"Are any of you suffering hardships? You should pray. Are any of you happy? You should sing praises." James 5:13 (NLT)

The women from my home church [Parker Road Bible Church] host the occasional Women's Concert of Prayer -- once or twice a year. Over the years, I've attended a couple of these events and have always found them to be a positive and beautiful experience. Prayer is amazing and the results can be breath-taking.

On Saturday, March 23rd, my church is hosting a special event entitled, Women's Concert of Prayer: Motherhood. From 10:30 am - 12:00 pm, we will gather together at Parker Road Bible Church and focus our prayers completely on motherhood. So I have to ask...

Are you or someone you love struggling with infertility or childlessness?

Do you know someone who has lost a child through death, miscarriage, adoption, or abortion?

Do you have a child that has left the nest, gone astray or are you just going along day-by-day trying to raise kids the best you can?

No matter what your situation may be or who you would like to pray for, you are more than welcome to join your sisters in Christ for a special time of prayer.

For more information about this event, feel free to check out the official Facebook event page -- Women's Concert of Prayer: Motherhood. By clicking on the link, you can get more information and RSVP for this event. If you can't physically make it to Parker Road Bible Church, please consider scheduling some time to pray during our Concert of Prayer -- and let us know where you'll be praying from by joining the event and posting on the event wall.

Now for a quick infertility update!

I had an appointment this morning and it looks like I've got the green light to start taking my next round of fertility medications. This time around my clomid has been doubled to 100mg. I will also be taking prednisone and estadiol. I've been on metformin for three weeks (going on four) and, starting today, I have started taking my full dosage (4 pills a day, 2 in the AM and 2 in the PM).

I've been experiencing some uncomfortable side-effects from the metformin -- mostly loss of appetite due to feeling full/bloated, dizziness, and fatigue. These side-effects are perfectly normal. Prednisone will likely make me very hungry and people usually gain weight when they're on it -- so I have to be extra careful. I can't remember if it is the prednisone or the estadiol, but one of them makes you emotional and you can't always process thoughts very well. So I'll be all kinds of messed up starting this week -- good luck, Dan. I took estadiol during my last treatment and I don't recall experiencing any negative side effects, so it's probably the prednisone -- which is a steroid.

I've taken up yoga/stretching to help my body prepare for my fertility treatments and (Lord willing)upcoming pregnancy. Dan and I are also looking into getting massages during this treatment. The more relaxed we can get our bodies the better. We're not looking to break the bank, so we're looking at Groupon deals. We found one that seems reasonable, so we'll see if it'll work out. I'm feeling good about this treatment, so I want to make sure I make the most of it!

Starting tomorrow, I'll be on clomid for five days and prednisone for ten days. Once I'm done with the clomid I'll be on estadiol until they tell me to stop. I have a follow-up appointment on Monday, March 18th at 7:00 am. At this appointment we will see if there is any follicle growth. I'm feeling good about this treatment, so we'll see what God has in store for me.

As always, thank you for all your prayers and support! God's hands are at work and while I'm feeling the weight of my trials, I'm also feeling joy and excitement as I anticipate the outcome of our fertility treatments.

Just Keep Breathing

A couple years ago Dan and I took the Insanity challenge. Before you get any ideas, it's a workout series created by personal trainer, Shaun T. Now, if you're crazy enough to attempt Insanity, get ready for the most difficult and intense workout you will ever experience. No weights, no gym equipment... it's all you. If you do the workouts properly, you will sweat, you will ache, and you will get pushed to do things you never thought you'd be able to do. It won't be easy, by any means, but if you stick with each workout (6 days a week for 9 weeks), you will be stronger!

During Insanity, once a week you will take the official Fit Test to help measure your progress. If all is going according to plan, you will see your numbers go up each and every week -- this is because you're getting stronger. Then, just when you (finally!) get used to the first month of workouts, you start month two and the workouts get even longer and harder!

Shaun T is a great motivator. He is encouraging and he made me laugh throughout his DVD series. However, sometimes the workouts got so difficult I would growl at him out of frustration and repeatedly tell him, "You're nuts!". He never let up on me. Instead, he would just remind me to keep breathing and to keep going.

Lately, I feel like my infertility journey is much like the Insanity challenge. It never started as easy, it was painful and difficult from Day 1. Still, I press on and I get stronger. Then, just as I get used to my current situation, I receive a new challenge (emotionally/physically/spiritually) and am forced to get tougher.

Earlier this week I was having a very low moment. The physical and emotional challenges of my infertility got to me and I completely broke down. I called my sister (sobbing!) and she cried with me. I reached a point where I felt so weak and brokenhearted and, in that moment, I felt like having a baby was never going to happen for me. My hope and my faith were fading at a rapid rate. My heart was pounding, my stomach was twisted, and my lungs were struggling to fill with air. At that point, taking a single deep breath proved to be one of the most difficult challenges.

"You need to stop trying so hard to be happy," my sister lovingly advised. "You're human and you're hurting. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to be sad."

She's right! I am human and I am hurting. Just because my infertility makes me sad doesn't mean I'm failing. I may not understand why God has placed this challenge before me, but I can feel Him guiding me through my daily struggles.

That night, Dan came and joined me on the floor of our family room. He laid on the floor and pulled me down to lay on his chest. I buried my face in his shoulder as I continued to cry. He held me close and started to pray. Throughout his prayer I could feel my breathing stabilize as my tears slowed down. After his prayer, we cried together and held each other close. This journey isn't easy for either of us.

Dan and I are on the verge of officially beginning our second fertility treatment and considering the results from our last attempt, I'm already off to a discouraging start. I am feeling what it is like to have faith as tiny as a mustard seed, but even God says that's enough.

[Jesus] replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
Matthew 17:20

For me, physically having a baby is physically is difficult, but it's not impossible for God. My faith may fade but it never goes away. I may cry and get upset but I keep calling out to God, asking him to make me stronger -- and he does. I need to remain patient and just keep breathing. God has a plan and a purpose for my infertility journey. I may not understand each of my challenges, but I need to trust God's plan.

"Well I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see. Well because this broken road prepares Your will for me."
Walk By Faith by Jeremy Camp

The song "Need You Now"* by Plumb is the best song for illustrating how I feel during the lowest moments of my infertility journey. The raw emotion of pain and perseverance are present in this song, both in the lyrics and in Plumb's vocal presentation. On those low and depressing days, if I could put my prayers into a song, this would be it.

 

We all have a story to tell, an uphill journey that requires strength and perseverance. Even if you have faith as tiny as a mustard seed, take it to God and place it in His hands.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7

 

Together we can get through our daily struggles, no matter what they are. We're human and we will have moments of fear, frustration, and sadness. It's okay! Take those feelings to God and tell him. Keep pressing on and know that God has a plan and a purpose for all of us. Don't give up hope! On the most difficult days, just remind yourself to keep breathing -- you are getting stronger.

 

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord."

Everlasting God preformed by Lincoln Brewster

*Normally, I post the video for your easy viewing pleasure, but I'm experiencing technical difficulties. Until I can post the video on my blog, feel free to click on the link "Need You Now" to watch the lyric video via YouTube.

Starting Over

On Tuesday, February 26th I was having some one-on-one time with God, sharing with Him my thoughts and fears regarding our fertility treatments. I sat on the floor, hugging my knees as my eyes swelled up. My throat started to burn as I whispered my prayer out loud.

"I'm aloud to cry. I may not be mad, but I am sad and you know that. I am aloud to cry."

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I hugged my legs and buried my face in my lap. My heart ached as I expressed the desires of my heart to my Lord and Savior.

Prayer is powerful. I cannot begin to explain how much inner peace I've felt since I first shared my story with each of you. While I am not fully exempt from tears, grief, and bad days, your prayers are working. I am stronger because of your prayers and support and I cannot thank my prayer warriors enough.

On Wednesday, February 27th I went to the doctor one more time to see if there was any follicle growth. It was a long shot but Dr. S wanted to really make sure my body wasn't responding to the meds before he scratched this treatment.

I was surprisingly calm as I entered the building early that morning. I sat in the waiting room while a few more employees strolled in to begin their work day -- I had one of the first appointments of the day. I played on my phone and I prayed. I hoped for the best while I anticipated more bad news.

When it was time for me to get my usual ultra sound, I stared at the monitor as the familiar image danced before me. There they were, my many, many tiny follicles within each ovary. It was official, my body still was not responding to the medication. Needless to say, I was very disappointed. Our first treatment was over before it even began.

TREATMENT #1 INCOMPLETE
TREATMENT #2 IN PROGRESS

Dr. S seemed prepared for the news because he had a game plan all ready for me. To keep things moving, he put me back on Progesterone to bring back Aunt Flo. Once Aunt Flo arrives I'll be back at the doctor's office for more blood tests and an ultra sound. If everything looks good I'll, once again, start taking Clomid. They doubled my Clomid dosage from 50mg to 100mg. I'll also be taking another (new!) medication -- sorry, the name has slipped my mind. **Update: the medication is called Prednisone and I'll be taking 5mg tablets

So here we are, back at the starting gate, getting ready to start all over. I am discouraged but I still have hope that my next treatment will produce positive results.

Before I share my latest prayer requests, I do have a praise! My work schedule is starting to slim down. I should have most of my evenings back, now that I've got some significant freelance work complete.

Here are my current prayer requests:

1. Please pray that my body responds to the Clomid! We need to see some follicle growth in order to progress with our next treatment. It is so frustrating to go to each appointment just to see/hear the same news over and over and over... and over.

2. Again, God knows my body best. Please pray that He gives Dr. S and his team wisdom as they treat my body.

3. While I am grateful for my reduced work load, I still need to find ways to trim the fat and reduce stress. Please pray that God will give me wisdom about reducing my busy schedule.

4. Keep praying that my fallopian tubes are open! Again, we don't know if they are or not. Ultimately, they need to be open in order for my Clomid treatment(s) to work.

5. Satan (as always) has been clever in his attempts to derail my faith. Please continue to pray that Satan and his demons do not interfere with my fertility treatments.

6. I am still very nervous afraid terrified that these treatments will not work -- hence prayer request #5. I cannot bear the thought of going through each treatment and never seeing positive results. I am human and I am only so strong. Please pray that my hope outweighs my fears.

7. I've recently started giving in to more sweets and carbs than I should. Please pray that I behave and make better meal/snack choices.

I don't know what the future holds. I cannot guarantee that any of these fertility treatments will work. My hands are empty because I've given my infertility to God. My hope rests completely with Him and He is carrying me each and every day. He is with me every time I go to the doctor. He is by my side while my heart breaks at the sight of my tiny follicles. He is holding me when I cry tears of grief and disappointment. He gives me strength to press on when my hope is razor thin.

Today's song is "You Are" by Colton Dixon. This song hits close to home while I go through my infertility journey. Just listen to the lyrics and you'll see why.