"I'm aloud to cry. I may not be mad, but I am sad and you know that. I am aloud to cry."
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I hugged my legs and buried my face in my lap. My heart ached as I expressed the desires of my heart to my Lord and Savior.
Prayer is powerful. I cannot begin to explain how much inner peace I've felt since I first shared my story with each of you. While I am not fully exempt from tears, grief, and bad days, your prayers are working. I am stronger because of your prayers and support and I cannot thank my prayer warriors enough.
On Wednesday, February 27th I went to the doctor one more time to see if there was any follicle growth. It was a long shot but Dr. S wanted to really make sure my body wasn't responding to the meds before he scratched this treatment.
I was surprisingly calm as I entered the building early that morning. I sat in the waiting room while a few more employees strolled in to begin their work day -- I had one of the first appointments of the day. I played on my phone and I prayed. I hoped for the best while I anticipated more bad news.
When it was time for me to get my usual ultra sound, I stared at the monitor as the familiar image danced before me. There they were, my many, many tiny follicles within each ovary. It was official, my body still was not responding to the medication. Needless to say, I was very disappointed. Our first treatment was over before it even began.
TREATMENT #2 IN PROGRESS
Dr. S seemed prepared for the news because he had a game plan all ready for me. To keep things moving, he put me back on Progesterone to bring back Aunt Flo. Once Aunt Flo arrives I'll be back at the doctor's office for more blood tests and an ultra sound. If everything looks good I'll, once again, start taking Clomid. They doubled my Clomid dosage from 50mg to 100mg. I'll also be taking another (new!) medication -- sorry, the name has slipped my mind. **Update: the medication is called Prednisone and I'll be taking 5mg tablets
So here we are, back at the starting gate, getting ready to start all over. I am discouraged but I still have hope that my next treatment will produce positive results.
Before I share my latest prayer requests, I do have a praise! My work schedule is starting to slim down. I should have most of my evenings back, now that I've got some significant freelance work complete.
Here are my current prayer requests:
1. Please pray that my body responds to the Clomid! We need to see some follicle growth in order to progress with our next treatment. It is so frustrating to go to each appointment just to see/hear the same news over and over and over... and over.
2. Again, God knows my body best. Please pray that He gives Dr. S and his team wisdom as they treat my body.
3. While I am grateful for my reduced work load, I still need to find ways to trim the fat and reduce stress. Please pray that God will give me wisdom about reducing my busy schedule.
4. Keep praying that my fallopian tubes are open! Again, we don't know if they are or not. Ultimately, they need to be open in order for my Clomid treatment(s) to work.
5. Satan (as always) has been clever in his attempts to derail my faith. Please continue to pray that Satan and his demons do not interfere with my fertility treatments.
6. I am still very
7. I've recently started giving in to more sweets and carbs than I should. Please pray that I behave and make better meal/snack choices.
I don't know what the future holds. I cannot guarantee that any of these fertility treatments will work. My hands are empty because I've given my infertility to God. My hope rests completely with Him and He is carrying me each and every day. He is with me every time I go to the doctor. He is by my side while my heart breaks at the sight of my tiny follicles. He is holding me when I cry tears of grief and disappointment. He gives me strength to press on when my hope is razor thin.
Today's song is "You Are" by Colton Dixon. This song hits close to home while I go through my infertility journey. Just listen to the lyrics and you'll see why.
4 comments:
Hey K - Praying for you!! Did you ask about Femara (As an alternative to Clomid)?
I wish they knew more about your tubes - that would help get you to the next right step sooner. But you'll get there one way or another. Have faith! (I know, it is hard.)
No, I didn't inquire about Femara (yet) because Dr. S already had another medication in mind. So I tucked away Femara, for the moment, but I have it on my list for my next appointment -- I have a few "If it doesn't work this time..." questions/comments to discuss. I'll keep you posted.
Thank you for your prayers and support!
So sorry that this cycle isn't turning out the way you'd hoped. I'm heartbroken for you. It's so frustrating to put all that time, energy, and money into these treatments and then to not even get a chance to make a baby out of it.
If this cycle doesn't work for me, I'm doing femara next, just to see if I respond more quickly. I have to take 100 mg of clomid for ten days in order for it to work for me, and even then, I am a fairly slow responder. My cycles take a month and a half. Is the new med called metformin? I've been on that on and off because of my PCOS. If this cycle doesn't work, I'll be starting that again as well.
The new medication is called prednisone and I'll be taking 5mg tablets. I started taking metformin a couple of weeks ago. I'm working my way up to taking 4 pills a day -- I'm up to 3 right now.
As suggested by a friend, I will be taking up yoga to help my infertility. Whether it helps my infertility or not, yoga will hopefully at least help me relax.
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