Truth be told, I spend a lot of time focusing on my fertility treatment(s). I focus on what I'm eating, drinking and I watch my stress levels closely. Well, it's kind of hard not to. I'm taking medications all hours of the day (everyday), I'm at the doctor's office at least once or twice a week, and, as a result, I am forced to monitor my body very closely, 24/7. I can't help but focus on my infertility. It's a significant part of my life right now.
Rewind, back to my conversation with my mother-in-law. One piece of advise she gave me that day, something that struck close to my heart, was this, "Do not let having a baby be your idol." To some of you that may be a strange comment, but she's right. She's very right! I shouldn't let my desire to have a baby become my one-and-only.
I serve God. He is merciful. He is all-powerful. He is loving. He is also... jealous. God wants to be my one-and-only. Matthew 6:24 says, "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other...". While I travel through this difficult journey, I must keep my eyes fixed on God. Some days, it is easier said than done, but ultimately God remains #1 in my life. He is my rock and He is the one carrying me through my day-to-day infertility struggles. My hope rests completely in His hands.
Ultimately, life goes on. I take my pills in the morning and then I go to work, I eat three meals a day, I interact with family/friends/co-workers, I sip my fertility tea, go to the movies, go on dates with my husband, shop, volunteer at church, play with my puppy, and take care of my house. Then, in the evening, I take some more pills and log any doctor visits, medication changes, and/or physical observations. Having a baby is my heart's desire but I will not allow it to be my idol.
This past weekend Dan and I helped with the youth group 30 Hour Famine. From Saturday (2/23) to Sunday (2/24) we went 30 hours without eating any food or consuming any beverages that contained caffeine. Saturday morning we volunteered at the Children's Hunger Fund warehouse with several other church groups and organizations, packing food boxes. It was a bit of a tease to work with food while fasting, but we managed.
While I helped bag hundreds of individual bags of beans, the song "Lifesong" by Casting Crowns came over the loud speakers. As I listened to this wonderful and familiar song, I started to smile. Two things dawned on me in that moment: (1) I'm not mad at God for my infertility. Am I happy that I have to deal with it? No! Not at all. However, I am not mad, nor do I blame God. John 10:10 says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." God is love! I don't think twice about serving God when I have the opportunity. He doesn't owe me anything, instead, I owe Him everything! Like I've said before, I have faith that if He has brought this trial upon me, He will be with me every step of the way and He will see me through it. (2) Having a baby is not my idol. I could easily eat, sleep, and think baby. Having a baby is a desire that burns deep in my heart, but I know that it is not the first priority in my life. God is first and I will work to keep it that way. Psalm 37:4 says, "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."
God is teaching me something through this trial and while I have my good days and my bad days, I refuse to let this trial distract me from how I've been called to serve God. This weekend I was called to have band practice for the upcoming Something from Jessie Fundraiser, to help with the youth group 30 Hour Famine, to bag beans at the Children's Hunger Fund warehouse, to lead worship music at my church, and to host a small group at my house. When I start putting these things aside so I can only focus on my desire to have a baby, that is the day it becomes my idol.
What does your lifesong sing?
Who/What is your idol?
Who/What do you put first?
Again, I'm not saying that my walk with God is perfect, by any means. I am a selfish person and very often I put my needs before the needs of others. I am human and I make countless mistakes, but I never stop working at becoming a better servant.
My desk at work has a bulletin board that is covered with pictures, buttons, and other decorations that make me smile. It also has two reminders that I typed up and printed out...
"Who are you doing this for?"
"Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better that yourselves. Don't look out for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too." Philippians 2:3-4
Most days, I need these reminders. I need to keep my lifesong in check -- especially throughout this journey. I cannot lose focus of what is most important. My lifesong is to serve my Lord and Savor, Jesus Christ.
I've got another doctor appointment coming up this week. My appointment is set for very early on Wednesday, February 27th. I will undergo more blood tests and another ultrasound. If we still don't see any follicle growth we'll have to scratch this treatment round and start over with a new game plan. I'm quite sad and disappointed that I haven't even made it through one treatment. Here are my prayer requests:
1. Dr. S is certainly doing what he can to help my body ovulate and get pregnant, but he doesn't know my body like God (my Creator) knows my body. Please pray that God gives Dr. S wisdom on how to proceed with my treatment(s).
2. Satan's goal is to destroy anything that brings glory to God. Please pray that Satan and his demons will have no effect on my body or my treatment(s).
3. It's looking very likely that I'll be put on some new medications during my next treatment. Please pray that I take everything on time, in order, and that I don't experience any extreme side effects.
4. Pray for my jealous heart. Lord knows I am genuinely happy for all my friends who are having babies, but some days are harder than others. Please pray that God will grant me joy and peace for all my loved ones as they welcome precious babies into their lives.
5. I am my father's daughter. Just like my dad, I'm not sure what to do with myself if I'm not busy. Please pray that I'll have wisdom to take it easy when the time is right and know when to say "no" to certain projects/events/gatherings.
6. Keep praying that my fallopian tubes are open! Again, we don't know if they are or not. Ultimately, they need to be open in order for my Clomid treatment(s) to work.
As always, thank you for your prayers, emails, cards, Facebook posts, text messages, hugs, and one-on-one words of encouragement. I am blessed to have so many loved ones praying for me and my family. I praise God for each and every one of you.
3 comments:
Such wise advise from your mother-in-law. It can be hard to balance working hard for a baby with resting in God. Thank you for posting your prayer requests. I will continue to lift you up in prayer.
I loved this post-it's quite similar to what I'm going through as well, I don't know you but saw your blog posted on Em's fb. Glad to know I'm not alone! Jess
http://homedaycareandme.wordpress.com/2013/01/09/trust/
Hi Em! I'm keeping up with your blog -- I love it. Thank you for your prayers and support. I am certainly praying for you as well.
Hi Jess! Thank you for taking the time to check out my blog and to leave a message. Oh yes, it is comforting to know that we're not alone when it comes to infertiliy struggles -- it helps to have support from those who understand exactly what you're going through. Thank you for sharing your blog! I'm on my way to check it out right now.
To all my ladies dealng with their own infertility battle, here is some encouragement for the moment: There are two words you'll never hear God say... "I can't". With God, all things are possible.
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