"My pleasure had become my pain..."

I didn't know where to start. I sat with my mother-in-law in the living room of her house so her and I could have a private conversation. I lured her in by simply saying, "I have something I'd like to talk to you about." Now, here we are and I'm lost for words, worried that I'm making her nervous by just sitting there, entangling my fingers as I desperately searched for the perfect words to start this difficult and embarrassing conversation. I looked at her and she looked me. Then, the words came.

"Dan and I have been seeing a fertility specialist." The words flew off my lips and I offered a half smile to cushion the blow.

She absorbed my words and remained calm as she responded with a simple and drawn out, "Okay."

Next, I explained the medical condition that led Dan and I to this moment. My words were very matter-of-fact as I spoke much like a doctor. I used big, fancy words and spoke slowly and carefully so that she understood everything I was telling her. She took in every word with great compassion and a weight was lifted off my shoulders as I shared our story.

This is where it gets personal and a bit graphic, so if you're not interested, please, do not continue.

I've never had a normal period growing up. I was one of the "lucky" girls who didn't have a monthly visit from Aunt Flo. I loved having irregular periods! I almost never had to worry about my period. Yeah, that's great, until you want to have a baby. No period means no ovulation. No ovulation means no egg. No egg means no baby. My pleasure had become my pain.

In 2010 I finally got around to seeing a gynecologist. Well overdue, I know. After some testing I was officially diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) -- which basically means by body struggles to ovulate. Ah ha! An explanation for my irregular periods.

Most women diagnosed with PCOS are significantly overweight, have terrible acne, and tend to grow lots of additional facial hair (i.e. a full beard). This may explain why I seemed to put on some significant weight when I got my first period (at age 14) and why I had horrible acne as a teenager -- I know lots of teens get acne, but trust me, I was bad. Thankfully, I've never experienced the extra facial hair. Today, my weight is manageable, my acne is not an issue, and the facial hair was never a problem. My PCOS is disguised within me.

Next, Dan had to be tested. Since Dan had cancer (Non Hodgkins Lymphoma) as a child it was expected that his chemo treatments left a lasting impression on his body. In 2010 his test results came back so-so and the doctor wanted to run another test. We never followed through and I forget why.

Since Dan and I were not ready to have children, my doctor put me on birth control to help regulate my cycle. For the most part, it worked... until a year and a half later, when Dan and I were ready to have children, and I went off the pill. Bye bye, Aunt Flo. Needless to say, I was very discouraged when my irregular body behavior quickly returned. Our hands were tied. There was nothing more we could do. I felt helpless and extremely embarrassed.

I read up on natural ways to help regulate my cycle. Different foods, exercise, herbs... nothing seem to work. Most importantly, I prayed... and prayed... and prayed... and then I prayed some more.

No one knew about mine and Dan's infertility battle. I wanted this to be a private battle in hopes that one day I would be able to surprise my family and friends by announcing our unexpected baby news. I would daydream about that special moment... They'll be so surprised because no one even knows that we're trying!

As we grew closer and closer to needing medical assistance, my stress levels grew. I felt betrayed by God. He knows that this is a desire of my heart! We have a house with plenty of space for children, full-time jobs, working cars, and medical insurance... what is He waiting for? I'm not getting any younger! I broke down.

"I can't hold it in any longer," I blurt out while I was in the car with Dan. He quickly looked at me with care and concern. "I need prayer support. We need prayer support."

He agreed that we could start sharing our prayer needs with those we felt comfortable with. We have some close friends who are going through a similar struggle, so they were among the first to hear of our discouraging news. They understood and we leaned on each other for support. It helped.

I still wanted to keep this news a secret from our immediate family. I held on to my dream of being able to surprise them with our baby news. I hated the idea of having to admit we are having no luck getting pregnant on our own, but it was getting harder and harder to hold back.

During the summer of 2012, I really started to open up about our infertility struggles to my parents, my sister, select extended family, and other close friends. It's not an easy topic to discuss and I did not want people feeling sorry for me.

Just before the New Year, I contacted my current OB GYN (I've had a couple due to our multiple moves) and she sent me a recommendation for a fertility specialist. I've only met my current OB GYN once, so we didn't have time to establish much of a relationship. I was worried she would just toss me over to some random doctor to simply pass me on. Still, I was ready to just start somewhere.

I was alone the first time I visited the fertility specialist on Wednesday, January 9, 2013 . In fact, I was even alone while I sat in the waiting room. I felt singled-out, like there was a spotlight on me and my problems, so I played games on my phone to distract myself and to pretend like I wasn't nervous.

When it was time for me to meet my doctor (Dr. S), I was amazed at how comfortable I was talking with him. Dr. S is an older gentleman and he has a fabulous sense of humor. While my condition is nothing to laugh over, he does manage to make light of the situation (when appropriate) and thus relieving some of my stress. Now, to take it a step further, I truly enjoy everyone at this fertility clinic! The ladies I get to work with are always positive, happy, and they never rush me. I have a positive experience every time I call the office or stop in for an appointment. Dr. S and I will even exchange emails when I have random questions. I couldn't ask for anything more!

To get the ball rolling, Dr. S wanted to verify my PCOS. So we did an ultrasound during my first appointment. Normal women have about 8-10 follicles (mature follicles release eggs) on each ovary, I have "millions" according to Dr. S. Ugh. Since I haven't had a period since July 2012, he put me on Prometrium to force my body to have a period. Once I got my period I went back in for some blood tests. Last, I had to come in for an Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to test my fallopian tubes. I had to take antibiotics before and after this procedure. They numbed me, inserted dye, and watched for the dye fill my uterus, flow through my tubes, and spill into my ovaries. I watched on the x-ray monitor as my uterus filled with dye. I got a horrible cramping feelings during the process. No dye entered my tubes so Dr. S use a catheter to try and force the dye through my tubes. That hurt like crazy and I let out a painful moan. Both Dr. S and his RN (Jennifer) were very comforting during the painful process. In the end, the dye never spilled into either of my ovaries. I laid there on the table, starring at the x-ray images until  Jennifer turned off the monitor. Tears filled my eyes. More discouraging news had found me.

Dr. S and Jennifer were very comforting and compassionate while I showed obvious signs of disappointment. Dr. S placed his hand on my head as he assured me that just because the dye didn't spill into my ovaries doesn't necessarily mean that they're blocked. Sometimes fallopian tubes close up when a foreign object (i.e. dye) enters the body -- they simply close up for protection. Okay, so that's a good thing. However, we don't know if (1) they're blocked or (2) they were just closed up for the moment because of the dye. Ugh.

For now, my testing is complete. Now it was Dan's turn. Since we already got so-so results in 2010, Dan and I anticipated the same results. More discouraging news was on it's way and I mentally prepared myself.

My hope was very thin and I cried a lot -- and it didn't help having to endure Jessie's anniversary during all of this. I couldn't talk about any of this without sobbing. Every email update I sent took 10x's longer because I would pause to wipe my eyes or calm myself down. I asked family and friends to pray for mine and Dan's test results. I wasn't expecting the results to be positive, but I desperately wanted to revive my sense of hope.

Once all of our test results were in, I met with Dr. S to go over everything. My results came back as expected. Numbers above normal and numbers below normal. Ultimately, there was enough positive information to proceed. Praise God!

Next, we moved on to Dan's test results. I was completely caught off guard when he told me that Dan is fine. No, scratch that... he's better than fine! He's great! Dr. S said that Dan's results showed no long-term damage due to his cancer treatments. I was overjoyed! We no longer had a two-person problem on our hands. I could feel my sense of hope begin to return -- an answer to many prayers from many different people, I'm sure.

Dan and I only have so much insurance money for fertility treatments, so we have to plan carefully. Since we don't know if my tubes are blocked or not, Dr. S suggested that we only attempt three rounds of Clomiphene (Clomid). If my tubes are blocks, Clomid won't work no matter how many times we try. In order to not drain our insurance funds we're only going to attempt the Clomid treatment three times -- just in case my tubes are open. If Clomid doesn't work, our next option is In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). If IVF becomes a reality we won't have enough insurance funds to cover one treatment. So, if we ever go with IVF, Dan and I will have to pay a pretty significant chunk of change to cover the remaining balance. Picture me as a peppy cheerleader when I say, "Let's go, Clomid!"

After I told my mother-in-law all of this, I suddenly ran out of words. We sat there, silent, as we both let my news just sink in. Then, I had one more thing to say.

"This news..." I paused and put my fingers up to my lips as I felt my throat start to burn. I tried to hold back my tears. I tried to stay strong but it hurt -- it physically hurt. "This news has me really upset." Before I could even finish my sentence I had burst into tears. My mother-in-law flew open her arms and pulled me in for a loving and supportive hug. I quietly sniffed on her shoulder as my tears soaked her sweater. She leaned back on the couch and I cuddled with her. Until that moment, I don't think I've ever cried in front of her before.

I lost all sense of time while I was with my mother-in-law. Never before had I felt so much like I was one of her own children. It felt like it was my own mother holding me, comforting me. She spoke encouraging words to me, told me she loved me and that I was perfect just the way God made me, and last, she prayed over me.

Looking back, I have come to realize that, obviously, my mother-in-law and I would have never shared such a special moment if it wasn't for my infertility struggles. My sorrows brought me to a new level of closeness with her and I thought it was a beautiful moment! God sees my tears and he hears my prayers. It is so clear in moments like these.

Now, if you've been reading this post and anticipating a big baby surprise at the end, I'm sorry to disappoint you but there is no baby news. Not yet anyway. This difficult journey is still underway and I can use all the prayer support I can get! That is exactly why I decided to write this blog entry. So if you're willing to pray for me, Dan, and our infertility journey, here are some specific prayer requests I would like to share...

1. Three rounds of Clomid is not a lot. Most women do at least five or six treatments before getting positive results. Plus, sometimes the body just doesn't respond to Clomid. Please pray that Clomid works for us -- the fewer treatments it takes the better.

2. I need to stay calm and relaxed as possible, but having four jobs can be difficult to handle. Please pray that I don't get too swamped at work and that I find time to rest, relax, and just be happy.

3. Pray for our financial situation if Clomid doesn't work and we have to consider IVF. While we're at it, please pray for wisdom if we have to consider IVF -- there are a lot of spiritual and moral values that need to be considered when IVF is on the table.

4. Clomid has a bad reputation for horrible changes in mood -- it's a hormone thing. Please pray that I remain happy and calm during my treatment(s).

5.  Keep Dr. S and his staff in your prayers as well. Please pray that God will guide them and give them wisdom. I feel so blessed to have Dr. S and his staff taking care of me. Again, they're all so wonderful and that in itself is an answer to prayer.

6. Pray that my tubes are open! I hate not knowing if they are or not.

7. Pray for strength for all who are involved. I know our families are hurting with us, so pray that God will comfort and encourage them as well.

8. Did I mention I have to give up as many carbs as possible? I can handle all the meds, shots, and other tests, but giving up pasta, bread, and sweets is very difficult. Haha! Anyway, pray that I exercise good self-control and make wise meal choices.

9. Pray that Dan and I use this experience to grow closer as husband and wife. Dan has been very encouraging throughout this whole process and I am very thankful for his support.

10. Ultimately, God needs to be my healer. Please pray God, the ultimate physician, will touch and heal my body.

11. I know God is in control, but so often I believe Satan's lies and that's when my hope and faith feel thin. Please pray that Satan will not distract us from the truth -- GOD is in control!

12. Pray for our babies!

For all life's struggles I find great comfort in knowing my Heavenly Father is there for me, carrying me when life gets hard. I wouldn't trade His support for anything. After all, like I've said before, He sees the BIG picture. Today, tomorrow, ten years from now... He's there! He's sees it all. He doesn't see each day like we do. He sees everything!

Do you ever wish you could go back and change something about your past? If only I knew what I know now, I would have done that differently. We've all thought that at some point. Well guess what... God knows what the future holds. Trust Him to be your guide. I know that not seeing His plan can be scary at times, but I've made my best decisions from trusting God. This journey terrifies me, but I am strongest when I am in prayer.

The song "Already There" by Casting Crowns has been my theme song for mine and Dan's infertility journey. If I could put my current prayers into a song, this would be it. Watch the official lyric video below. I cry a lot of tears of joy and sorrow during this song -- I love it!