It was during this appointment that I discovered that I started taking my Clomid two days early. Gulp! Apparently I misunderstood my doctor and got a little jump start on my meds. I was super embarressed and a little frustrated with myself. This news also stirred up some fear.
"Did I mess up? Is this bad?" I nervously asked the RN (Jennifer).
Jennifer was silent, she didn't respond right away. She just continued prepping to draw my blood. I believe she was trying to come up with a positive answer -- or an answer with at least a silver-lining.
"Is this bad?" I quickly repeated. I could feel the tears building in my eyes. I felt hot as I anxiously waited for an answer. My heart started pounding.
"You should be okay," she finally answered. "We might just have to bump up your scans."
I felt a little better, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I might have blown it already.
"Just keep a closer eye on the dates on your chart next time," she added.
Next time?
"Well," she smiled a sweet and happy smile, "if there is a next time."
I smiled back. Relief! There is still hope! During every appointment I keep an eye out for any sense of hope and there it was. Praise God!
After drawing my blood, Jennifer explained how I to proceed with my medications so we could proceed.
Next, I went in for an ultrasound. I watched my monitor carefully as they checked my uterus and my ovaries. There was no evidence that any of my follicles were growing. Needless to say, I was quite discouraged. I made an appointment to return on Friday, February 22nd.
Throughout the rest of the week I tried my best to watch what I eat. My sugar and carb intake hit an all-time low and my meal portions got smaller. I also started drinking lots of water and tea -- more than usual. Maybe my body will work properly if I change my diet?
My next apppointment (2/22) quickly arrived and I was pleasantly surprised when my jeans slipped on with the greatest of ease. I was curious, so I stepped on the scale and noticed that I also dropped a couple of pounds. Wow! These results had me smiling.
This morning, Dan was outside shoveling the snow off our driveway and sidewalk. I met up with him to give him a good bye kiss.
"Good luck!" he called out as I walked back towards my car.
I smiled. "You too!" I called back.
Entering my doctor's office has always been a pleasant experience -- despite the circumstances. I greet the receptionist (who is about the same age as me) like we're old friends. We greet each other with big smiles and excitement in our voices. Next, we exchange some friendly chit-chat while she reviews my chart and accepts my co-pay. Then, I sit in the waiting room and begin playing on my phone.
This morning there was another couple in the waiting room. After a few minutes they went in for their appointment. Two more ladies joined me in the waiting room. Busy day.
I was next to be called back so a medical assistant could draw my blood. This girl was new (to me) and just as friendly as everyone else. She told me I had nice veins. Seems odd to say this, but her comment made me smile. I guess I was just in a good mood.
After she drew blood I returned to the waiting room until it was time for my ultrasound. While I was waiting I could here joyful squealing coming from the other room.
"Don't forget your picture," I heard a female voice call out. My heart sank.
Turns out, the couple that had gone in before me is expecting a baby. I could tell that they already knew this but, understandably, they were still very excited and they were enjoying a friendly conversation with the medical staff.
I looked down at my phone and tried to stay calm.
They have every right to be happy! Don't get upset. Don't get upset. Don't get upset! You'll have your moment too. You'll go home with a baby picture. You will! Be happy for them!
After giving myself a pep talk, followed by a few deep breaths, I was okay. I was amazed at how I moved past the moment without any tears or burning heartache -- just more evidence that prayer is working. I must be getting stronger.
Unfortunately, my ultrasound still wasn't showing any signs of follicle growth and, sadly, I wasn't surprised. Still, I was disappointed. All of my (many!) follicles are still tiny. It doesn't looks like my medication is working. Not yet, anyway.
Dr. S said that he tried to get me to ovulate the easy way (easy?), but since that doesn't seem to be working he is going to attempt a few more ticks he has up his sleeve. So what next? Well, Dr. S wants to see me again next week, Wednesday (2/27). If I'm still showing no signs of follicle growth he'll probably up my dosage of Clomid and add another medication. More meds? Great.
I haven't had any real good news lately. I don't think I've had a taste of good news for weeks. So far I've been handling the lack of good news quite well, but I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can stay this strong. Like I've said before, I have good days and bad days. Today, despite the rather upsetting news at the doctor, I am handling the news with ease.
Earlier this week my sister (Kathleen) texted me and said, "You should really watch Mandisa on GMA. She was on for Robin's return and her music really helped her... She sings Stronger." So I did just that -- and I found the clip (see below) on abc.com.
First of all, I already love this song by Mandisa. Second, I was so encouraged to see Robin singing along and getting into the song. She has been through so much and through it all she has come out with a big smile on her face. Robin Roberts announced in 2012 that she is battling a rare blood disorder, just five years after beating breast cancer. Obviously, she has been through a lot. Yet, there she was singing and dancing -- click here to watch.
So you can really take notice of the lyrics, below is the official lyric video for Mandisa's song, "Stronger"...
There is no doubt in my mind, my infertility journey is making me stronger. I'm not saying that I will always behave perfectly along the way, but in the long run, I plan to use this opportunity to become stronger in my walk with God.
Keep praying for me, Dan, and our babies, prayer warriors! To paraphrase Mendisa's song lyrics, God started this work in my life and He'll be faithful to complete it -- if only we believe it. He knows how much it hurts and I'm sure that He's helping me get me through this. This infertility journey is going to make me stronger!
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