Just Keep Breathing

A couple years ago Dan and I took the Insanity challenge. Before you get any ideas, it's a workout series created by personal trainer, Shaun T. Now, if you're crazy enough to attempt Insanity, get ready for the most difficult and intense workout you will ever experience. No weights, no gym equipment... it's all you. If you do the workouts properly, you will sweat, you will ache, and you will get pushed to do things you never thought you'd be able to do. It won't be easy, by any means, but if you stick with each workout (6 days a week for 9 weeks), you will be stronger!

During Insanity, once a week you will take the official Fit Test to help measure your progress. If all is going according to plan, you will see your numbers go up each and every week -- this is because you're getting stronger. Then, just when you (finally!) get used to the first month of workouts, you start month two and the workouts get even longer and harder!

Shaun T is a great motivator. He is encouraging and he made me laugh throughout his DVD series. However, sometimes the workouts got so difficult I would growl at him out of frustration and repeatedly tell him, "You're nuts!". He never let up on me. Instead, he would just remind me to keep breathing and to keep going.

Lately, I feel like my infertility journey is much like the Insanity challenge. It never started as easy, it was painful and difficult from Day 1. Still, I press on and I get stronger. Then, just as I get used to my current situation, I receive a new challenge (emotionally/physically/spiritually) and am forced to get tougher.

Earlier this week I was having a very low moment. The physical and emotional challenges of my infertility got to me and I completely broke down. I called my sister (sobbing!) and she cried with me. I reached a point where I felt so weak and brokenhearted and, in that moment, I felt like having a baby was never going to happen for me. My hope and my faith were fading at a rapid rate. My heart was pounding, my stomach was twisted, and my lungs were struggling to fill with air. At that point, taking a single deep breath proved to be one of the most difficult challenges.

"You need to stop trying so hard to be happy," my sister lovingly advised. "You're human and you're hurting. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to be sad."

She's right! I am human and I am hurting. Just because my infertility makes me sad doesn't mean I'm failing. I may not understand why God has placed this challenge before me, but I can feel Him guiding me through my daily struggles.

That night, Dan came and joined me on the floor of our family room. He laid on the floor and pulled me down to lay on his chest. I buried my face in his shoulder as I continued to cry. He held me close and started to pray. Throughout his prayer I could feel my breathing stabilize as my tears slowed down. After his prayer, we cried together and held each other close. This journey isn't easy for either of us.

Dan and I are on the verge of officially beginning our second fertility treatment and considering the results from our last attempt, I'm already off to a discouraging start. I am feeling what it is like to have faith as tiny as a mustard seed, but even God says that's enough.

[Jesus] replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
Matthew 17:20

For me, physically having a baby is physically is difficult, but it's not impossible for God. My faith may fade but it never goes away. I may cry and get upset but I keep calling out to God, asking him to make me stronger -- and he does. I need to remain patient and just keep breathing. God has a plan and a purpose for my infertility journey. I may not understand each of my challenges, but I need to trust God's plan.

"Well I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see. Well because this broken road prepares Your will for me."
Walk By Faith by Jeremy Camp

The song "Need You Now"* by Plumb is the best song for illustrating how I feel during the lowest moments of my infertility journey. The raw emotion of pain and perseverance are present in this song, both in the lyrics and in Plumb's vocal presentation. On those low and depressing days, if I could put my prayers into a song, this would be it.

 

We all have a story to tell, an uphill journey that requires strength and perseverance. Even if you have faith as tiny as a mustard seed, take it to God and place it in His hands.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7

 

Together we can get through our daily struggles, no matter what they are. We're human and we will have moments of fear, frustration, and sadness. It's okay! Take those feelings to God and tell him. Keep pressing on and know that God has a plan and a purpose for all of us. Don't give up hope! On the most difficult days, just remind yourself to keep breathing -- you are getting stronger.

 

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord."

Everlasting God preformed by Lincoln Brewster

*Normally, I post the video for your easy viewing pleasure, but I'm experiencing technical difficulties. Until I can post the video on my blog, feel free to click on the link "Need You Now" to watch the lyric video via YouTube.