Infertility brings out a lot of colorful emotions in people. Usually they're not pretty. There's anger, frustration, disappointment, and plenty of jealousy.
My mom has always said that I'm like my dad -- I'm a happy person unless someone/something makes me sad. Infertility makes me very sad!
My first confession is odd. While on my infertility journey I started daydreaming about what it would be like to announce that I'm expecting a baby. I wanted to say the words, even if they weren't true. I wanted it to (somehow!) come up in conversation with a stranger so I could say the words and feel the [false] joy. I just wanted to know what it felt like to make such an announcement. Rest easy, I never made any false baby announcements -- not even close. This strange urge just illustrates some of my infertility emotions.
My second confession comes as no surprise to anyone who has ever longed to have a baby. I struggled with feeling jealous of those who already had children, especially the ones who were successful with very little (or no) effort. Yep, I know I'm not alone on this one -- I've had many friends confess this to me.
Jealousy is, by far, my least favorite emotion. It's cold, bitter and only gets worse if gone untreated. How does one treat jealously? Easy! Through prayer and counting your blessings. The grass isn't always greener on the other side and you don't always know the full story. Jealousy typically comes from only seeing a small part of someone's joy. Sometimes seeing the whole story will make you understand why their joy should be shared by all... instead of being jealous of what they have and you don't.
Now, do I get jealous every time I hear a baby announcement or see one posted on Facebook? No! Certainly not. Do I enjoy going to baby showers? Yes! Always! Seriously, what girl doesn't like picking out adorable baby clothes, even if they're not for her baby? I've always enjoyed shopping for baby showers. Oddly enough, that is the one area that I have never struggled. I guess I just love baby showers.
Truth be told, some days are better than others and on my darker days I would quickly ask God for peace of mind so I could genuinely congratulate the expecting parents. Again, prayer works and yes it does work that fast.
My third confession might be weird to some, but certainly not to all. When Dan and I first adopted our shelter puppy (Jetta) I was surprised at how much I enjoyed hearing others refer to me as Jetta's mom. Obviously I am not Jetta's biological mother (duh!), but she is family and in many ways I care for her like I would my own children. I show her love, I cuddle with her, make sure she is well fed and hydrated, and I discipline her when she is naughty. Jetta may be a family pet, but to me and Dan she is family and we are her adopted parents. It just feels good to know that someone (human or pet) can count on you to take care of them... and if that makes me Jetta's "mom", I'll take it!
My last confession is, well, a big one. While I was in Philadelphia I wrote a blog post about mine and Dan's next fertility treatment -- which was being postponed. While everything in that post was true (my treatment would've started while I was in Philly), I knew that there was a good chance that I wasn't going need another treatment. Why? Because on Saturday, April 6, 2013, I took two positive pregnancy tests!
Yes, while I was writing that blog post I knew that there was a good chance that those tests were telling the truth and that I was pregnant. So, while I wasn't able to get confirmation from my doctor until after my business trip was over, I quickly wrote that blog post to throw all of you off the scent. Sneaky, I know, but I took this unique opportunity to give Dan and I some time to share our baby news with our families and close friends.
If you've been following my infertility journey you're probably wondering, "What happened? I thought you didn't finish your last treatment?"
Yes, you are correct. I didn't finish my last treatment. The week that Dr. S and his team were watching my follicles, they were growing very slowly. On Friday, March 22nd Jennifer (my nurse) thought I'd be ready for my HCG shot (the trigger that releases the egg from the follicle) by Tuesday the 26th -- maaaaybe Monday the 25th.
When I showed up on Monday, March 25th Jennifer was surprised to discover that I had already ovulated. So there was absolutely no point in proceeding with the rest of the fertility treatment. That meant, no HCG shot and no IUI (insemination). Basically at that point, Jennifer told me to cross my fingers and hope that we got pregnant on our own.
At this point, I had a feeling that I was pregnant. Of course it was too early for me to have any symptoms, but my doctor and his team were so baffled by my body's behavior. I sensed God's hands at work -- since He knows my body best and is the master of perfect timing.
Later that week I started to feel some light abdominal cramping and lower back pain. I wondered if I was getting my period, but these cramps felt different. It's difficult to describe, but normally when Aunt Flow is getting ready for her visit I will get these light cramps that rapidly turn into intense, sharp cramps that make my insides feel like they're being twisted, almost to the point of bursting. These cramps, however, stayed light/mild for days. I avoided taking any pain killers just in case I was pregnant.
Then, one day I was sitting at my desk at work when I felt a sudden, sharp pain by my left ovary. It lasted about 5-10 seconds and then passed. I couldn't help but wonder if that was my baby passing through the fallopian tube -- apparently some women can feel.
My doctor wanted me to come in on Monday, April 8th to take a pregnancy test. Since I knew I was going to be in Philadelphia, Jennifer told me I could take an at-home pregnancy test before I go -- since it'll be really close to April 8th.
Dan and I patiently waited until Saturday, April 6th. First thing that morning I took a pregnancy test. I brought the test (upside down so I couldn't see the results) into our bedroom and sat on the bed with Dan. We were both very anxious to see the results.
I slowly flipped it over and looked closely at the test. I saw one bold pink line and a second faded pink line. I held my applause, so to speak, as I told Dan what I saw. He took the test from my hand and examined it.
"I think that means we're pregnant... doesn't it?"
"Two lines is two lines... right?"
"I think it's a positive test! Don't you?"
In that moment, I believe we both knew it was a positive test result, but we wanted a much clearer answer before we started really jumping for joy.
That morning we ran some errands and I picked up a digital pregnancy test. This test had no lines. You either saw "pregnant" or "not pregnant" in digital wording. How much clearer can a test be?
Once again, I sat down on the bed and lovingly looked into Dan's eyes. As I prepared to flip the test over and reveal the results, I felt my excitement grow -- it just HAD to say "pregnant".
Deep breath.
I flipped the test over and there it was, clear as day... PREGNANT!
"That says pregnant! That says pregnant!" I burst with joy as I showed the test to Dan. I could feel myself glowing as I bounced on the bed. "That's says pregnant!"
Dan and I hugged and praised God -- did we ever. Even Jetta wagged her happy, little tail as we had a mini celebration. Dan and I couldn't stop staring at that pregnancy test. It was such a relief to see that single word reveal such a big announcement.
WE ARE HAVING A BABY!
That evening, Dan and I went out to one of our favorite restaurants in Chicago, Geja's. We had planned to go out for dinner before I left for Philadelphia, but we picked a much nicer restaurant in honor of our news. Of course, when we posted on Facebook that we were at Geja's we only said it was because of my upcoming business trip -- I guess that's yet another confession.
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Keeping our news a secret until we had confirmation from our doctor was painfully hard. It's especially difficult when so many people know your story and ask for updates. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everyone's care and concern... I just hated that I couldn't give the whole truth right away.
Shortly after my return home I went in for my blood test. The results were in later that day -- YES, my numbers were certainly high enough to confirm that I was pregnant.
A few days later I had an ultrasound. Let me tell you, there isn't much to see when you're only about five weeks pregnant. Even after zooming in times a million (eh, something like that... close enough), our baby was nothing more than a piece of lint on a screen. But he/she was there! It was an incredible sight.
Next, came the really fun part -- sharing our news with loved ones!
Whenever I was about to share our news with family/friends, I would rehearse what I was going to say over and over in my head. I tried to break the news in a fun and unique way every time I made the announcement. My heart would race when I would hesitate to bring up the news -- I wanted everything to go right so I can create a perfect memory for everyone involved. Once I found the right moment to share our news I felt like I was leaping off a building. The adrenaline would kick into high gear and I would think to myself, "There's no turning back now... say it now and don't mess up!"
Every time the news came out, I could see and feel my hands shaking -- that's adrenaline for you. Who thought sharing such an announcement could give someone such a rush?!
As many of you already know, any big news shared in person cannot be posted on Facebook until the one with the news posts first. I had big plans for how we would do our official Facebook announcement and I'll admit that as the word got out I was a little nervous that someone would slip and post on my Facebook wall "Congratulations!" or "Can't wait to meet your little one!" before Dan and I had a chance to make the announcement ourselves. Thankfully we had no public wall posts revealing our news. Phew!
On February 6, 2013, Dan and I booked a spontaneous trip to Orlando, Florida with my parents -- airfare was incredibly low. While we anticipated the idea of having a baby on the way, while in Florida, we certainly didn't consider it a done deal. Sure enough, I ventured to Florida as an expecting mother.
Since Dan and I are big Disney fans (especially me), we decided to use the unique opportunity to do our big and final reveal in front of Cinderella's castle at the Magic Kingdom.
On Thursday, May 30, 2013, while holding up an adorable Mickey onesie that Dan got me for Mother's Day, we smiled as pictures were taken with various cameras -- one of which was my cell phone. I didn't post the photo right away. Dan and I decided to wait for a little bit, until we were both ready.
A few hours passed and it was lunch time. I took out my phone and prepared our official Facebook baby announcement. I was 11 weeks and 6 days pregnant, so I was just about to start my second trimester. The timing was perfect!
This was our announcement...
"Dan and I are very excited to announce that we're expecting our first Mouseketeer in December! Praise God!"
I posted the photo (above) along with our announcement and I felt a sudden rush of excitement. Mine and Dan's phones were blowing up with photo "likes" and comments congratulating us on our baby news. I was in absolute awe of how emotional some of our friends were when the read our news. Our friends were cheering out loud, crying tears of joy, and praising God for his blessing upon us. It was very encouraging to read so many beautiful messages.
The support from our family and friends has given us so much strength throughout our infertility journey. I can't stress it enough... prayer is powerful! Ever since I opened up and started sharing our story I have felt so much love and so much strength from above. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us.
While sharing my news with family and friends has been fun and exciting, I still do my best to stay sensitive to those who are still wandering on their infertility journey. How does one stay sensitive when you're filled with so much joy?
Even when I was on my infertility journey I still felt joy and happiness for those who had children or were expecting children. Like I've mentioned before, if I wasn't in the mood to deal with seeing babies and happy parents, I simply stayed off the computer and prayed.
Obviously, one can't doge babies and parents forever. That is where prayer is so important! Dan and I both prayed for joy, peace, patient, and strength. As time passed I could feel myself becoming more and more accepting of baby announcements and expecting parents. My joy for these babies and parents felt completely genuine and I was grateful that the bitterness seem to be melting away -- or just showed up a lot less frequently. It's not their fault I'm struggling with infertility and it's certainly not fair for me to make them feel guilty for feeling joy just because I struggle with infertility.
Now, sometimes joy, peace, patients, and strength can fade when you're constantly put in your place, so to speak. For example, there are some parents who can't help but flaunt their baby news and/or their children. When conversation simply revolves around nothing but their ultrasounds, cravings, and how they plan to decorate the baby's room... well, I could only take so much before my heart would start to ache. To someone who is struggling with infertility it's like hearing expecting parents say, "We're having a baby and you're not..." over and over and over. I don't want to be like that.
Having a baby and having children is a very special time and parents have every right to be excited and share their news, but honestly, any subject, catch phrase, song, or quote can get old when put on constant repeat. While I certainly enjoy discussing my baby, I try not to go overboard and appear obsessed -- I do have other things I'd like to talk about.
I look forward to sharing my pregnancy journey with each of you, but don't be surprised if I venture on to different topics once in a while. My blog has been around since March 2008 and it has always been random.
For now, I'll close with two prayer requests:
1. Pray for Baby Nelly -- Nelly is a nickname for our last name, Nelson. As of today, our due date is December 12, 2013. While most of my morning sickness and lack of energy seem to be behind me, I know that we've still got a long road ahead of us. Please pray for a healthy pregnancy -- for both mom and baby.
2. Pray for those who are struggling with infertility. My heart still aches for those who travel on this unpredictable journey. It's depressing and I wish no one had to deal with it. Still, infertility is out there and countless couples are dealing with it. Please continue to pray for them.
Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive of mine and Dan's infertility journey. Now that we've moved on to the next chapter (a much more exciting and happy chapter), I look forward to sharing my joy with each of you.
