Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. I've had several pregnancy dreams before -- even before I was married. In this dream I think I was about four or five months along. I had the cutest belly! At one point I stood in front of a mirror and just admired my little pooch as I attempted to figured out if I was having a boy or a girl. I was glowing and beaming with pride! It was a wonderful dream.
Truth be told, I spend a lot of time focusing on my fertility treatment(s). I focus on what I'm eating, drinking and I watch my stress levels closely. Well, it's kind of hard not to. I'm taking medications all hours of the day (everyday), I'm at the doctor's office at least once or twice a week, and, as a result, I am forced to monitor my body very closely, 24/7. I can't help but focus on my infertility. It's a significant part of my life right now.
Rewind, back to my conversation with my mother-in-law. One piece of advise she gave me that day, something that struck close to my heart, was this, "Do not let having a baby be your idol." To some of you that may be a strange comment, but she's right. She's very right! I shouldn't let my desire to have a baby become my one-and-only.
I serve God. He is merciful. He is all-powerful. He is loving. He is also... jealous. God wants to be my one-and-only. Matthew 6:24 says, "No
one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the
other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other...". While I travel through this difficult journey, I must keep my eyes fixed on God. Some days, it is easier said than done, but ultimately God remains #1 in my life. He is my rock and He is the one carrying me through my day-to-day infertility struggles. My hope rests completely in His hands.
Ultimately, life goes on. I take my pills in the morning and then I go to work, I eat three meals a day, I interact with family/friends/co-workers, I sip my fertility tea, go to the movies, go on dates with my husband, shop, volunteer at church, play with my puppy, and take care of my house. Then, in the evening, I take some more pills and log any doctor visits, medication changes, and/or physical observations. Having a baby is my heart's desire but I will not allow it to be my idol.
This past weekend Dan and I helped with the youth group 30 Hour Famine. From Saturday (2/23) to Sunday (2/24) we went 30 hours without eating any food or consuming any beverages that contained caffeine. Saturday morning we volunteered at the Children's Hunger Fund warehouse with several other church groups and organizations, packing food boxes. It was a bit of a tease to work with food while fasting, but we managed.
While I helped bag hundreds of individual bags of beans, the song "Lifesong" by Casting Crowns came over the loud speakers. As I listened to this wonderful and familiar song, I started to smile. Two things dawned on me in that moment: (1) I'm not mad at God for my infertility. Am I happy that I have to deal with it? No! Not at all. However, I am not mad, nor do I blame God. John 10:10 says, "The thiefcomes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." God is love!I don't think twice about serving God when I have the opportunity. He doesn't owe me anything, instead, I owe Him everything! Like I've said before, I have faith that if He has brought this trial upon me, He will be with me every step of the way and He will see me through it. (2) Having a baby is not my idol. I could easily eat, sleep, and think baby. Having a baby is a desire that burns deep in my heart, but I know that it is not the first priority in my life. God is first and I will work to keep it that way. Psalm 37:4 says, "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."
God is teaching me something through this trial and while I have my good days and my bad days, I refuse to let this trial distract me from how I've been called to serve God. This weekend I was called to have band practice for the upcoming Something from Jessie Fundraiser, to help with the youth group 30 Hour Famine, to bag beans at the Children's Hunger Fund warehouse, to lead worship music at my church, and to host a small group at my house. When I start putting these things aside so I can only focus on my desire to have a baby, that is the day it becomes my idol.
What does your lifesong sing?
Who/What is your idol?
Who/What do you put first?
Again, I'm not saying that my walk with God is perfect, by any means. I am a selfish person and very often I put my needs before the needs of others. I am human and I make countless mistakes, but I never stop working at becoming a better servant.
My desk at work has a bulletin board that is covered with pictures, buttons, and other decorations that make me smile. It also has two reminders that I typed up and printed out...
"Who are you doing this for?"
"Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better that yourselves. Don't look out for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too." Philippians 2:3-4
Most days, I need these reminders. I need to keep my lifesong in check -- especially throughout this journey. I cannot lose focus of what is most important. My lifesong is to serve my Lord and Savor, Jesus Christ.
I've got another doctor appointment coming up this week. My appointment is set for very early on Wednesday, February 27th. I will undergo more blood tests and another ultrasound. If we still don't see any follicle growth we'll have to scratch this treatment round and start over with a new game plan. I'm quite sad and disappointed that I haven't even made it through one treatment. Here are my prayer requests:
1. Dr. S is certainly doing what he can to help my body ovulate and get pregnant, but he doesn't know my body like God (my Creator) knows my body. Please pray that God gives Dr. S wisdom on how to proceed with my treatment(s).
2. Satan's goal is to destroy anything that brings glory to God. Please pray that Satan and his demons will have no effect on my body or my treatment(s).
3. It's looking very likely that I'll be put on some new medications during my next treatment. Please pray that I take everything on time, in order, and that I don't experience any extreme side effects.
4. Pray for my jealous heart. Lord knows I am genuinely happy for all my friends who are having babies, but some days are harder than others. Please pray that God will grant me joy and peace for all my loved ones as they welcome precious babies into their lives.
5. I am my father's daughter. Just like my dad, I'm not sure what to do with myself if I'm not busy. Please pray that I'll have wisdom to take it easy when the time is right and know when to say "no" to certain projects/events/gatherings.
6. Keep praying that my fallopian tubes are open! Again, we don't know if they are or not. Ultimately, they need to be open in order for my Clomid treatment(s) to work.
As always, thank you for your prayers, emails, cards, Facebook posts, text messages, hugs, and one-on-one words of encouragement. I am blessed to have so many loved ones praying for me and my family. I praise God for each and every one of you.
Recipe by: Erin D. | Texanerin Baking
Category: Cookies
Yields: fourteen 1 1/2" cookie dough balls
Prep Time: 8 min • Cook Time: 10 min • Total Time: 18 min
Ingredients:
1 1/4 cups canned chickpeas, well-rinsed and patted dry with a paper towel
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 cup + 2 tablespoons (165 grams) natural peanut butter, SunButter or almond butter1
1/4 cup (80 grams) honey or applesauce (commenters have used agave with success!)
1 teaspoon baking powder2
a pinch of salt if your peanut butter doesn't have salt in it
1/2 cup (90 grams) chocolate chips
Directions:
Preheat your oven to 350°F / 175°C. Combine all the ingredients, except for the chocolate chips, in a food processor and process until very smooth. Make sure to scrape the sides and the top to get the little chunks of chickpeas and process again until they're combined.
Put in the chocolate chips and stir it if you can, or pulse it once or twice. The mixture will be very thick and sticky.
The recipe calls to wet your hands to form into 1 1/2" balls -- I just made them drop cookies. Place onto a Silpat or a piece of parchment paper. They don't do much rising. Bake for about 10 minutes.
Notes:
Don't even try with regular peanut butter! They'll come out oily. You MUST use natural peanut butter.
If you need grain-free baking powder, you can use 1 part cream of tartar + 1 part baking soda + 2 parts arrowroot.
They're super soft cookies. I made one batch with honey and one batch with applesauce. They turn out very similar, but I think I prefer the applesauce version. I think next time I'll try adding some bananas and/or chocolate protein powder -- and increase the amount of chickpeas to compensate for the extra ingredients. ENJOY!
On Monday, February 18th I had a doctor appointment to check the progress of my medication. During this typical and familiar appointment with Dr. S and his staff, they drew blood and did an ultrasound. The process has become so routine, I've pretty much become a pro at getting in and getting out via autopilot -- I know exactly where to go and what to do.
It was during this appointment that I discovered that I started taking my Clomid two days early. Gulp! Apparently I misunderstood my doctor and got a little jump start on my meds. I was super embarressed and a little frustrated with myself. This news also stirred up some fear.
"Did I mess up? Is this bad?" I nervously asked the RN (Jennifer).
Jennifer was silent, she didn't respond right away. She just continued prepping to draw my blood. I believe she was trying to come up with a positive answer -- or an answer with at least a silver-lining.
"Is this bad?" I quickly repeated. I could feel the tears building in my eyes. I felt hot as I anxiously waited for an answer. My heart started pounding.
"You should be okay," she finally answered. "We might just have to bump up your scans."
I felt a little better, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I might have blown it already.
"Just keep a closer eye on the dates on your chart next time," she added.
Next time?
"Well," she smiled a sweet and happy smile, "if there is a next time."
I smiled back. Relief! There is still hope! During every appointment I keep an eye out for any sense of hope and there it was. Praise God!
After drawing my blood, Jennifer explained how I to proceed with my medications so we could proceed.
Next, I went in for an ultrasound. I watched my monitor carefully as they checked my uterus and my ovaries. There was no evidence that any of my follicles were growing. Needless to say, I was quite discouraged. I made an appointment to return on Friday, February 22nd.
Throughout the rest of the week I tried my best to watch what I eat. My sugar and carb intake hit an all-time low and my meal portions got smaller. I also started drinking lots of water and tea -- more than usual. Maybe my body will work properly if I change my diet?
My next apppointment (2/22) quickly arrived and I was pleasantly surprised when my jeans slipped on with the greatest of ease. I was curious, so I stepped on the scale and noticed that I also dropped a couple of pounds. Wow! These results had me smiling.
This morning, Dan was outside shoveling the snow off our driveway and sidewalk. I met up with him to give him a good bye kiss.
"Good luck!" he called out as I walked back towards my car.
I smiled. "You too!" I called back.
Entering my doctor's office has always been a pleasant experience -- despite the circumstances. I greet the receptionist (who is about the same age as me) like we're old friends. We greet each other with big smiles and excitement in our voices. Next, we exchange some friendly chit-chat while she reviews my chart and accepts my co-pay. Then, I sit in the waiting room and begin playing on my phone.
This morning there was another couple in the waiting room. After a few minutes they went in for their appointment. Two more ladies joined me in the waiting room. Busy day.
I was next to be called back so a medical assistant could draw my blood. This girl was new (to me) and just as friendly as everyone else. She told me I had nice veins. Seems odd to say this, but her comment made me smile. I guess I was just in a good mood.
After she drew blood I returned to the waiting room until it was time for my ultrasound. While I was waiting I could here joyful squealing coming from the other room.
"Don't forget your picture," I heard a female voice call out. My heart sank.
Turns out, the couple that had gone in before me is expecting a baby. I could tell that they already knew this but, understandably, they were still very excited and they were enjoying a friendly conversation with the medical staff.
I looked down at my phone and tried to stay calm.
They have every right to be happy! Don't get upset. Don't get upset. Don't get upset! You'll have your moment too. You'll go home with a baby picture. You will! Be happy for them!
After giving myself a pep talk, followed by a few deep breaths, I was okay. I was amazed at how I moved past the moment without any tears or burning heartache -- just more evidence that prayer is working. I must be getting stronger.
Unfortunately, my ultrasound still wasn't showing any signs of follicle growth and, sadly, I wasn't surprised. Still, I was disappointed. All of my (many!) follicles are still tiny. It doesn't looks like my medication is working. Not yet, anyway.
Dr. S said that he tried to get me to ovulate the easy way (easy?), but since that doesn't seem to be working he is going to attempt a few more ticks he has up his sleeve. So what next? Well, Dr. S wants to see me again next week, Wednesday (2/27). If I'm still showing no signs of follicle growth he'll probably up my dosage of Clomid and add another medication. More meds? Great.
I haven't had any real good news lately. I don't think I've had a taste of good news for weeks. So far I've been handling the lack of good news quite well, but I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can stay this strong. Like I've said before, I have good days and bad days. Today, despite the rather upsetting news at the doctor, I am handling the news with ease.
Earlier this week my sister (Kathleen) texted me and said, "You should really watch Mandisa on GMA. She was on for Robin's return and her music really helped her... She sings Stronger." So I did just that -- and I found the clip (see below) on abc.com.
First of all, I already love this song by Mandisa. Second, I was so encouraged to see Robin singing along and getting into the song. She has been through so much and through it all she has come out with a big smile on her face. Robin Roberts announced in 2012 that she is battling a rare blood disorder, just five years after beating breast cancer. Obviously, she has been through a lot. Yet, there she was singing and dancing -- click here to watch.
So you can really take notice of the lyrics, below is the official lyric video for Mandisa's song, "Stronger"...
There is no doubt in my mind, my infertility journey is making me stronger. I'm not saying that I will always behave perfectly along the way, but in the long run, I plan to use this opportunity to become stronger in my walk with God.
Keep praying for me, Dan, and our babies, prayer warriors! To paraphrase Mendisa's song lyrics, God started this work in my life and He'll be faithful to complete it -- if only we believe it. He knows how much it hurts and I'm sure that He's helping me get me through this. This infertility journey is going to make me stronger!
One day, while I was in Minnesota with Dan and my parents, visiting my sister (Kathleen) and her husband (Brad), we went to the Mall of America to do some shopping. Shortly after having breakfast at McDonald's (waiting for the stores to open), we casually made our way down one of the mall's many escalators. While we descended to a lower level, my sister called out, "Isn't that the McKenzies?"
Sure enough, there they were! The McKenzies are long-time friends from our church and they were visiting a college in the area for their daughter. We knew that they were in the area but we had no idea that they were at the mall.
In case you've never been to the Mall of America, it's huge! It is so big that they have multiple food courts, a movie theater, several restaurants, and even multiple locations for select stores. Finding friends on purpose can be difficult, even when you know they're there. Yet, we managed to spot our friends. We found them without even trying and that made our little meet-up so exciting -- our timing was simply perfect. Later, even though we knew that the McKenzies were still in the building, we never ran into them again. It was a one-time moment.
We've all had moments like the one my family had with the McKenzie family -- a moment of perfect timing. Moments like these are always more exciting because they catch you off guard and surprise you.
How about the time I went to visit my best friend (Jessie) at Pleasant Hill Cemetery (in 2001-2-3-4?) and heard "Dreaming of You" by Selena on the radio when I got back in the car? "Dreaming of You" is a significant Jessie song that rarely (rarely!) gets any airtime since we've entered the 21st century. What are the odds that it would play right then?
"ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT."
We've all heard that quote before. Personally, I am not the best at being patient -- especially when it is something I really want. I know I've had a moment or two (or hundreds) where I've blown it because I just couldn't just be patient and wait.
If my infertility journey has taught me anything it's that perfect timing is really out of my control. I can do what I can to help point things in the right direction, but that's it. I can take all my medications on schedule, be on time to every doctor appointment, and monitor my body as closely as possible and still miss out! It's so frustrating!
My infertility situation is completely out of my hands. That is why I made the decision to put it all in God's hands. He is all-powerful and He is the master of perfect timing. I could easily share several stories about God's perfect timing in my life, but I'll simply say this much: His timing is best.
So now what? We wait... and wait... and wait. Sometimes waiting on God can feel like nails on a chalkboard -- uncomfortable, irritating, and you just want it to stop. Like I've said in a previous post, Dan and I have a brand new house, two full-time jobs, insurance, and two working cars (one of which is brand new!)... what is He waiting for? I can't see the big picture like God can, so I don't know. He has the perfect moment all planned out. I just need to sit back, relax, trust Him, and (gulp!) be patient.
What am I doing while I wait? A couple of things...
1. I work. I've got four jobs. One full-time job, two part-time jobs, and an unpredictable freelance gig. I also volunteer as a worship leader at my church, host two small groups at my house, help with youth group events/activities, and organize a yearly fundraiser in memory of my best friend, Jessie. I know that I won't be able to keep up all of this once Dan and I have a baby, so I enjoy the work (and the income) while I can. However, I am also attempting to delegate some of my work so I can relieve some stress.
2.I'm planning a Florida vacation. Earlier this month Southwest had a fabulous sale on airfare, so Dan and I booked a spontaneous trip with my parents to Orlando, Florida for May 29th - June 3rd. As an added bonus, I had enough Southwest points to purchase my round trip ticket for free. So when I get flustered about all my medications, my multiple doctor appointments, or the fact that my body doesn't seem to be functioning properly, I daydream about my upcoming vacation.
3.I work on my healthy eating habits. Cutting out carbs and sugar is not easy, by any means, but I'm getting better at it. While I'm not pregnant I'll continue to work on making wise meal choices so that when I am pregnant I'll naturally make better meal choices.
4.I exercise. My schedule doesn't permit much free time, but I do manage to squeeze in a work out here and there. I've been watching craigslist.com and freecycle for a free/cheap treadmill for years! I've made it a goal to have a treadmill by the time I'm pregnant. I guess I still have some time. Healthy meal choices and regular exercise will help treat my PCOS.
5.I keep my focus on things above. God is my ultimate focus! I am, by no means, perfect when it comes to staying fixed and focused on my relationship with God, but I work at it. All relationships take work and my relationship with God is no exception. By staying involved with my church and maintaining daily prayer, my relationship with God stays strong. I am strongest when I am in prayer. Listening to positive and encouraging music also helps.
Speaking of positive and encouraging music, today's song is "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. Asking God to take control over a situation means waiting on His perfect timing. Once you give up the situation and place it in God's hands (and all you can do is wait) stay close to God while you're waiting. Seek Him daily and you'll be stronger. Sure you'll have your good days and your bad days, but don't give up! God is so much bigger than our problems. He created the universe, I know He can handle whatever you give Him.
PS - Just as I was about to publish this post "While I'm Waiting" started playing on Pandora. Such excellent timing! Of all the songs...
First and foremost, I would like to extend a great, big THANK YOU to everyone who has reached out to me and Dan with regards to our infertility journey. The Facebook posts, personal messages, text messages, and one-on-one words of encouragement has been overwhelming! I am in awe of how God has provided us with so many prayer warriors for our journey. Your prayers and support are greatly appreciated and we cannot thank you enough.
It has come to my attention that my Clomid treatment(s) are a bit more complicated than most. So I thought I would fill you all in exactly what each of my fertility treatment(s) will include. Again, this might be a bit graphic for some, so only proceed if you're interested in understanding my medical treatment(s).
Clomid (Clomiphine Citrate) is a medication that will trigger hormones to be released to my ovaries to produce and mature follicles (eggs). I have to follow these instructions closely to guide myself through my treatment cycle. I have a calendar/planner I use to keep record of what I do and when.
Phase 1
I call my doctor the first day of my period -- first day of "full flow" is day one. If "full flow" begins after 3:00 p.m. the next day is considered day one of my period. Since I have a history of unpredictable periods, my doctor prescribes me Premetrium in case my period doesn't show up by a specific date -- having Aunt Flo show up on her own is helpful.
Once I contact my doctor regarding my period, I schedule a baseline ultrasound and blood test between my cycle days 1-5.
Phase 2
After my baseline appointment, I am instructed to start Clomid (50 mg for the first treatment) once daily on cycle days 5-9 -- and I continue to take prenatal vitamins. If needed, my doctor will increase my Clomid dosage with each treatment.
Phase 3
Once I am done taking Clomid, I return to the doctor's office for another ultrasound and blood test. I am then instructed to begin taking Estradiol 2 mg twice a day, one in the morning and one at night.
Phase 4
I return to the doctor's office for a "mid-cycle" ultrasound and blood test to monitor follicular growth in preparation for my HCG 10,000 units injection. We want to see some follicles grow!
Phase 5
After my "mid-cycle" evaluation for mature follicles, I will be instructed to take HCG 10,000 units to induce ovulation. This is a shot that I'll have to give myself when it is time. Eh, on second thought, Dan will be giving me the shot.
At this time we can use ovulation sticks to see if I've started ovulating. If we would like some additional assistance, I will then schedule my IUI (insemination).
Phase 6
I will be instructed to start Endometrin 100mg suppository twice daily (AM/PM) one day after after my IUI to maintain my uterine lining for implantation/pregnancy.
Phase 7
Last, but certainly not least, schedule my pregnancy text approximately 14 days from the date of my HCG injection.
Each treatment has a 30% - 40% chance of success. Now, if that seems low to some of you, keep in mind that couples have a 25% chance of conceiving on their own. Crazy, huh?
On top of all these new medications, I've also started taking Metformin ER 500 mg to help with my PCOS. This medication is to simply treat my PCOS and isn't exactly part of my fertility treatment(s). Because of my PCOS, my body doesn't metabolize carbs/sugars the way a normal body would -- which explains why weight has been a bit of a struggle since I started my first period (at age 14). Metformin will help my body. I've never been on so much medication in my entire life!
I'm proud to announce that I've cut carbs and sugar out of my diet completely! Well, as best as I can. I've got a sweet tooth, but as long as I'm undergoing fertility treatments I am going to limit my carb/sugar intake as best as I can. Also, at the advise of a friend who has been through a similar trial (and was blessed with twins!), I've also started drinking raspberry leaf tea (found at Whole Foods) -- thank you, Anna.
I'm at the doctor's office once, if not twice, a week these days. It is an endless rollercoaster of unknowns. If I haven't mentioned it before, I'll mention it now... I'm nervous! The situation is completely out of my hands and I have no idea what lies ahead.
This is my favorite bible verse:
"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." Philippians 4:6 (NLT) I am a worrier. I worry about almost anything. Handing situations over to God is not an easy task for me -- I want to be in control. This situation has humbled me and brought me to my knees. I cannot do this without God. Right now, the only thing I can do is hand over my situation to God and not worry about the things I cannot control. In the meantime, I'm free to bring my prayer requests before God -- through my relationship with Jesus Christ. Then, as I wait, I praise Him for answering my prayers. You are an answer to my prayers! Your prayers and support have given me hope and strength! I praise God for each of my prayer warriors. I am blessed to share this journey with each of you.
Below is the lyric music video for "Who Shall I Fear" by Chris Tomlin. This song has also been very encouraging during this difficult journey. No matter what difficulties you may be facing, know that God and his army of angels are right there by your side.
I didn't know where to start. I sat with my mother-in-law in the living room of her house so her and I could have a private conversation. I lured her in by simply saying, "I have something I'd like to talk to you about." Now, here we are and I'm lost for words, worried that I'm making her nervous by just sitting there, entangling my fingers as I desperately searched for the perfect words to start this difficult and embarrassing conversation. I looked at her and she looked me. Then, the words came.
"Dan and I have been seeing a fertility specialist." The words flew off my lips and I offered a half smile to cushion the blow.
She absorbed my words and remained calm as she responded with a simple and drawn out, "Okay."
Next, I explained the medical condition that led Dan and I to this moment. My words were very matter-of-fact as I spoke much like a doctor. I used big, fancy words and spoke slowly and carefully so that she understood everything I was telling her. She took in every word with great compassion and a weight was lifted off my shoulders as I shared our story.
This is where it gets personal and a bit graphic, so if you're not interested, please, do not continue.
I've never had a normal period growing up. I was one of the "lucky" girls who didn't have a monthly visit from Aunt Flo. I loved having irregular periods! I almost never had to worry about my period. Yeah, that's great, until you want to have a baby. No period means no ovulation. No ovulation means no egg. No egg means no baby. My pleasure had become my pain.
In 2010 I finally got around to seeing a gynecologist. Well overdue, I know. After some testing I was officially diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) -- which basically means by body struggles to ovulate. Ah ha! An explanation for my irregular periods.
Most women diagnosed with PCOS are significantly overweight, have terrible acne, and tend to grow lots of additional facial hair (i.e. a full beard). This may explain why I seemed to put on some significant weight when I got my first period (at age 14) and why I had horrible acne as a teenager -- I know lots of teens get acne, but trust me, I was bad. Thankfully, I've never experienced the extra facial hair. Today, my weight is manageable, my acne is not an issue, and the facial hair was never a problem. My PCOS is disguised within me.
Next, Dan had to be tested. Since Dan had cancer (Non Hodgkins Lymphoma) as a child it was expected that his chemo treatments left a lasting impression on his body. In 2010 his test results came back so-so and the doctor wanted to run another test. We never followed through and I forget why.
Since Dan and I were not ready to have children, my doctor put me on birth control to help regulate my cycle. For the most part, it worked... until a year and a half later, when Dan and I were ready to have children, and I went off the pill. Bye bye, Aunt Flo. Needless to say, I was very discouraged when my irregular body behavior quickly returned. Our hands were tied. There was nothing more we could do. I felt helpless and extremely embarrassed.
I read up on natural ways to help regulate my cycle. Different foods, exercise, herbs... nothing seem to work. Most importantly, I prayed... and prayed... and prayed... and then I prayed some more.
No one knew about mine and Dan's infertility battle. I wanted this to be a private battle in hopes that one day I would be able to surprise my family and friends by announcing our unexpected baby news. I would daydream about that special moment... They'll be so surprised because no one even knows that we're trying!
As we grew closer and closer to needing medical assistance, my stress levels grew. I felt betrayed by God. He knows that this is a desire of my heart! We have a house with plenty of space for children, full-time jobs, working cars, and medical insurance... what is He waiting for? I'm not getting any younger! I broke down.
"I can't hold it in any longer," I blurt out while I was in the car with Dan. He quickly looked at me with care and concern. "I need prayer support. We need prayer support."
He agreed that we could start sharing our prayer needs with those we felt comfortable with. We have some close friends who are going through a similar struggle, so they were among the first to hear of our discouraging news. They understood and we leaned on each other for support. It helped.
I still wanted to keep this news a secret from our immediate family. I held on to my dream of being able to surprise them with our baby news. I hated the idea of having to admit we are having no luck getting pregnant on our own, but it was getting harder and harder to hold back.
During the summer of 2012, I really started to open up about our infertility struggles to my parents, my sister, select extended family, and other close friends. It's not an easy topic to discuss and I did not want people feeling sorry for me.
Just before the New Year, I contacted my current OB GYN (I've had a couple due to our multiple moves) and she sent me a recommendation for a fertility specialist. I've only met my current OB GYN once, so we didn't have time to establish much of a relationship. I was worried she would just toss me over to some random doctor to simply pass me on. Still, I was ready to just start somewhere.
I was alone the first time I visited the fertility specialist on Wednesday, January 9, 2013 . In fact, I was even alone while I sat in the waiting room. I felt singled-out, like there was a spotlight on me and my problems, so I played games on my phone to distract myself and to pretend like I wasn't nervous.
When it was time for me to meet my doctor (Dr. S), I was amazed at how comfortable I was talking with him. Dr. S is an older gentleman and he has a fabulous sense of humor. While my condition is nothing to laugh over, he does manage to make light of the situation (when appropriate) and thus relieving some of my stress. Now, to take it a step further, I truly enjoy everyone at this fertility clinic! The ladies I get to work with are always positive, happy, and they never rush me. I have a positive experience every time I call the office or stop in for an appointment. Dr. S and I will even exchange emails when I have random questions. I couldn't ask for anything more!
To get the ball rolling, Dr. S wanted to verify my PCOS. So we did an ultrasound during my first appointment. Normal women have about 8-10 follicles (mature follicles release eggs) on each ovary, I have "millions" according to Dr. S. Ugh. Since I haven't had a period since July 2012, he put me on Prometrium to force my body to have a period. Once I got my period I went back in for some blood tests. Last, I had to come in for an Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to test my fallopian tubes. I had to take antibiotics before and after this procedure. They numbed me, inserted dye, and watched for the dye fill my uterus, flow through my tubes, and spill into my ovaries. I watched on the x-ray monitor as my uterus filled with dye. I got a horrible cramping feelings during the process. No dye entered my tubes so Dr. S use a catheter to try and force the dye through my tubes. That hurt like crazy and I let out a painful moan. Both Dr. S and his RN (Jennifer) were very comforting during the painful process. In the end, the dye never spilled into either of my ovaries. I laid there on the table, starring at the x-ray images until Jennifer turned off the monitor. Tears filled my eyes. More discouraging news had found me.
Dr. S and Jennifer were very comforting and compassionate while I showed obvious signs of disappointment. Dr. S placed his hand on my head as he assured me that just because the dye didn't spill into my ovaries doesn't necessarily mean that they're blocked. Sometimes fallopian tubes close up when a foreign object (i.e. dye) enters the body -- they simply close up for protection. Okay, so that's a good thing. However, we don't know if (1) they're blocked or (2) they were just closed up for the moment because of the dye. Ugh.
For now, my testing is complete. Now it was Dan's turn. Since we already got so-so results in 2010, Dan and I anticipated the same results. More discouraging news was on it's way and I mentally prepared myself.
My hope was very thin and I cried a lot -- and it didn't help having to endure Jessie's anniversary during all of this. I couldn't talk about any of this without sobbing. Every email update I sent took 10x's longer because I would pause to wipe my eyes or calm myself down. I asked family and friends to pray for mine and Dan's test results. I wasn't expecting the results to be positive, but I desperately wanted to revive my sense of hope.
Once all of our test results were in, I met with Dr. S to go over everything. My results came back as expected. Numbers above normal and numbers below normal. Ultimately, there was enough positive information to proceed. Praise God!
Next, we moved on to Dan's test results. I was completely caught off guard when he told me that Dan is fine. No, scratch that... he's better than fine! He's great! Dr. S said that Dan's results showed no long-term damage due to his cancer treatments. I was overjoyed! We no longer had a two-person problem on our hands. I could feel my sense of hope begin to return -- an answer to many prayers from many different people, I'm sure.
Dan and I only have so much insurance money for fertility treatments, so we have to plan carefully. Since we don't know if my tubes are blocked or not, Dr. S suggested that we only attempt three rounds of Clomiphene (Clomid). If my tubes are blocks, Clomid won't work no matter how many times we try. In order to not drain our insurance funds we're only going to attempt the Clomid treatment three times -- just in case my tubes are open. If Clomid doesn't work, our next option is In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). If IVF becomes a reality we won't have enough insurance funds to cover one treatment. So, if we ever go with IVF, Dan and I will have to pay a pretty significant chunk of change to cover the remaining balance. Picture me as a peppy cheerleader when I say, "Let's go, Clomid!"
After I told my mother-in-law all of this, I suddenly ran out of words. We sat there, silent, as we both let my news just sink in. Then, I had one more thing to say.
"This news..." I paused and put my fingers up to my lips as I felt my throat start to burn. I tried to hold back my tears. I tried to stay strong but it hurt -- it physically hurt. "This news has me really upset." Before I could even finish my sentence I had burst into tears. My mother-in-law flew open her arms and pulled me in for a loving and supportive hug. I quietly sniffed on her shoulder as my tears soaked her sweater. She leaned back on the couch and I cuddled with her. Until that moment, I don't think I've ever cried in front of her before.
I lost all sense of time while I was with my mother-in-law. Never before had I felt so much like I was one of her own children. It felt like it was my own mother holding me, comforting me. She spoke encouraging words to me, told me she loved me and that I was perfect just the way God made me, and last, she prayed over me.
Looking back, I have come to realize that, obviously, my mother-in-law and I would have never shared such a special moment if it wasn't for my infertility struggles. My sorrows brought me to a new level of closeness with her and I thought it was a beautiful moment! God sees my tears and he hears my prayers. It is so clear in moments like these.
Now, if you've been reading this post and anticipating a big baby surprise at the end, I'm sorry to disappoint you but there is no baby news. Not yet anyway. This difficult journey is still underway and I can use all the prayer support I can get! That is exactly why I decided to write this blog entry. So if you're willing to pray for me, Dan, and our infertility journey, here are some specific prayer requests I would like to share...
1. Three rounds of Clomid is not a lot. Most women do at least five or six treatments before getting positive results. Plus, sometimes the body just doesn't respond to Clomid. Please pray that Clomid works for us -- the fewer treatments it takes the better.
2. I need to stay calm and relaxed as possible, but having four jobs can be difficult to handle. Please pray that I don't get too swamped at work and that I find time to rest, relax, and just be happy.
3. Pray for our financial situation if Clomid doesn't work and we have to consider IVF. While we're at it, please pray for wisdom if we have to consider IVF -- there are a lot of spiritual and moral values that need to be considered when IVF is on the table.
4. Clomid has a bad reputation for horrible changes in mood -- it's a hormone thing. Please pray that I remain happy and calm during my treatment(s).
5. Keep Dr. S and his staff in your prayers as well. Please pray that God will guide them and give them wisdom. I feel so blessed to have Dr. S and his staff taking care of me. Again, they're all so wonderful and that in itself is an answer to prayer.
6. Pray that my tubes are open! I hate not knowing if they are or not.
7. Pray for strength for all who are involved. I know our families are hurting with us, so pray that God will comfort and encourage them as well.
8. Did I mention I have to give up as many carbs as possible? I can handle all the meds, shots, and other tests, but giving up pasta, bread, and sweets is very difficult. Haha! Anyway, pray that I exercise good self-control and make wise meal choices.
9. Pray that Dan and I use this experience to grow closer as husband and wife. Dan has been very encouraging throughout this whole process and I am very thankful for his support.
10. Ultimately, God needs to be my healer. Please pray God, the ultimate physician, will touch and heal my body.
11. I know God is in control, but so often I believe Satan's lies and that's when my hope and faith feel thin. Please pray that Satan will not distract us from the truth -- GOD is in control!
12. Pray for our babies!
For all life's struggles I find great comfort in knowing my Heavenly Father is there for me, carrying me when life gets hard. I wouldn't trade His support for anything. After all, like I've said before, He sees the BIG picture. Today, tomorrow, ten years from now... He's there! He's sees it all. He doesn't see each day like we do. He sees everything!
Do you ever wish you could go back and change something about your past? If only I knew what I know now, I would have done that differently. We've all thought that at some point. Well guess what... God knows what the future holds. Trust Him to be your guide. I know that not seeing His plan can be scary at times, but I've made my best decisions from trusting God. This journey terrifies me, but I am strongest when I am in prayer.
The song "Already There" by Casting Crowns has been my theme song for mine and Dan's infertility journey. If I could put my current prayers into a song, this would be it. Watch the official lyric video below. I cry a lot of tears of joy and sorrow during this song -- I love it!
